By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer
Newspapers are places you go to get answers. Over the years, they’ve become full of help lines, personal advice columns, answer men, money guidance and all other manner of personal question-and-answer formats.
People feel free to call a newspaper with all sorts of questions. What can I do about zits? Do you have a recipe for Portuguese bean soup? Who played third base for the Rainbows the year they went to the College World Series? Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Lately this guy I know really well has been bombarding me with all his problems, looking for answers. Goodness knows I’ve got problems of my own, but I hope this helps.
Dear Mike: My computer is on the fritz. First it works fine, then it freezes. If I try to restart it, all I get is a strange beeping sound. When I take it to the repair shop, it works fine again all the time, even though I had to pay $100 up front just to have the technicians look at it. As soon as I get home, it crashes again. I’ve tried everything: new cables, new location, even a $300 new monitor. Nothing helps. I’m about to pull my hair out. — Mo‘okua Street Man.
Dear MSM: I know just how you feel, but please don’t say "on the fritz." It’s an outdated pejorative term that still rankles the German blood in me.
Dear Mike: I’ve got ants everywhere in my kitchen. Thousands and thousands. I wake up; they’re in the cat food. I go to sleep; they’re dancing on the countertops. I’ve tried all the recommended remedies, everything from bay leaves to hydrochloric acid and megasupplies of Terra. Nothing seems to work. Sometimes I think Hawai‘i would be perfect, if only the ants would stay outside where they belong. — Woeful on the Windward side.
Dear Woeful: Look on the bright side. Sometimes the ants carry away a dead roach before you know it’s there.
Dear Mike: My house is 50 years old and has never been painted properly. You can see layers of turquoise, green, cream and linseed red peeling off. Plus it’s all lead-based. I was going to pay someone to paint it, but they wanted $10,000. My wife said we could do it ourselves, and use the money to go to Greece when we’re done. Now I’m spending every spare moment scraping, sanding, blasting, priming and painting and I’m not even one-hundredth of the way finished. Auwe! I’ll never see the beach again. — Seeing Red in Kailua.
Dear Red: I share your pain.
Dear Mike: Don’t you just hate it when those telemarketers call in the middle of dinner or the afternoon nap asking you to subscribe to The Advertiser even though you’ve been getting home delivery for years and actually work for the place? — Loyal Subscriber.
Dear Loyal: Sorry, that never happens to me. Why don’t you call someone and complain?
Mike Leidemann’s columns appear Thursdays and Saturdays in The Advertiser. He can be reached by phone (525-5460) or e-mail (mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com).
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