Advice for new fathers

Craig Neher remembers a day about two years ago when his wife, Lynn, first left him alone with their then-newborn daughter, Jenna. Lynn just wanted a short break.

Kui Keli‘ikipi holds the hand of his month-old daughter. Deborah Booker • The Honolulu Advertiser

"She said she was just getting gas, but she was gone an hour and a half," recalled the Kailua resident. "She ended up doing other errands and didn’t keep track of time. And Jenna was having a complete, raving meltdown. It was a very harrowing experience - way beyond what I thought it would be. I couldn’t manage (the baby); I didn’t know what to do."

Neher, 39, who just celebrated the birth of his second daughter, said that he felt more comfortable after the third month, but confessed that early on, "I would deal with it because I had to, not because I felt that I had it wired."

Despite his lack of having it "wired," Neher is as participatory and involved as fathers get. And according to Dr. Christian Sunoo, a Kaiser obstetrician and gynecologist and father of two boys, "most men are surprisingly well prepared, and care enough to gather information to do the right thing."

But he also said that it’s impossible to be entirely ready for the experience. "Many first-time fathers find out there’s more change than they anticipated," he said. So he and others offered tips for men embarking on the infinite challenge called fatherhood.

Don’t sweat the faux pas

It’s easy for a man to make mistakes in the whole process. And why not? Hormone changes, mood swings and dramatic physical alterations in a pregnant woman remain a mystery even to her. So how should he be expected to understand?

It’s not possible, said Sunoo, but you can take measures to learn more. "I think the greatest help and aid to our partners is to participate as much as possible," he said. "Attend prenatal visits and Lamaze classes; read as much material as you can."

Tips for expectant and new fathers Write questions to ask the obstetrician during prenatal check-ups. Try to schedule vacation time around the delivery. Unless the mother is bedridden, it’s generally more helpful to have greater availability after the delivery. In the hospital, just be there. Offer foot or back massages, cool towels, water, or hold her hand. Make sure the house is ready when mom and baby come home from the hospital. Help with household chores. A lot. Have dinners planned for a couple of weeks after the delivery. If you don’t cook, start learning, enlist the help of family and friends, or get takeout. The key: Get it done without asking her, "What do you think we should have for dinner?" Offer to watch the baby so the new mom can have a break. Ask how she is feeling, and be prepared for a negative answer. Realize you can’t solve the problem, so just listen. Participate! Do Not: comment on her weight or size. Ever. underestimate the anxiety she feels about the impending birth and delivery. neglect your adult relationship for the baby.

Still, there will be blunders. One faux pas Neher made was treating his wife’s apprehensions like they were "no big deal." He soon realized that "everything’s a big deal."

And labor and delivery are not the only elements causing stress. Worrying about what kind of mother she will be is the source of much anxiety.

Yet many men find that practical assistance or a little attention will alleviate some of these concerns.

Neher discovered that preparing the house was not the only way he could help his wife. He also exercised with her. "I basically walked with her," he said. "It was good bonding time, and she felt that I was taking time to slow down and go her pace."

Kui Keli‘ikipi of Kane‘ohe said that he fetched for his wife "whatever food she wanted." This often entailed "running out of the house five or six times a day because she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t sure what she could eat."

But like Neher (and most men), Keli‘ikipi, 33, who is now the father of a 1-month-old girl, also made errors: "I kind of just bluntly told her, ‘We need to get you maternity clothes.’ Everything was bulging already, but she thought she looked OK."

Next time, he said, he would be more tactful and take the initiative to help her get whatever she needed.

When baby comes home

When it’s time to bring home the baby, having the house ready is not enough. "Make sure you know how to use everything," from the car seat to the bottle, said Keli‘ikipi. He also took two weeks vacation from work and did all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning.

One aspect of new parenthood that nobody can prepare for is lack of sleep. Jon-Eric Greene, 35, a father of three girls, ages 5, 3 and 1, advised prospective fathers to "make sure they’re allowing their wife to get enough sleep during the last trimester." He found sleep deprivation the most challenging component because it makes parents irritable and unable to meet everyone’s needs.

In fact, some of the best assistance from the father is his ability to allow the mother to sleep. Keli‘ikipi feeds the baby at night when it’s his turn, and often will take his wife’s shift as well.

"If the baby’s crying and she (my wife) hasn’t moved, I know she’s really exhausted," said Keli‘ikipi. "In the morning, she’s really thankful."

But it’s a sacrifice. "I used to have a lot of hobbies. Now I can’t do anything. I’m just too tired."

Keli‘ikipi’s recommendations for fathers-to-be? "Get as much sleep as you can before the due date, prepare the house, and if there’s something you love to do, do it then before you have to take a break for a while."

Something else that shocks men is their partner’s emotional fluctuations. The hormonal changes that women undergo during and after pregnancy are very real, said Dr. Melinda Ashton, a pediatrician at Kapi‘olani Medical Center for Women and Children and a mother of two.

"Women do often get weepy (without knowing why), so having someone there who is a little more stable emotionally is helpful. Be supportive, but don’t be too concerned unless it’s prolonged and excessive.

"Both moms and dads are a little surprised by the demands of their new roles. Floundering around looking for answers to questions can be unnerving," said Ashton. The solution? When you attend baby’s check-ups, prepare queries for the pediatrician.

"I really enjoy when fathers come to the appointment, because they often have different questions," she said.

Print resources "What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding" by Thomas Hill and Patrick Merrell (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1993) "She’s Having a Baby: And I’m Having a Breakdown" by James Douglas Barron (William Morrow & Co., 1998) "The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be" by Armin A. Brott (Abbeville Press, 1995) "Fathers and Babies: How Babies Grow and What They Need From You, from Birth to 18 Months" by Jean Marzollo (Harperperennial Library, 1993) "The New Father’s Panic Book: Everything a Dad Needs to Know to Welcome His Bundle of Joy" by Gene Williams (Avon Books, 1997) Source: www.amazon.com

Ashton also noted that while men think pregnancy is the most difficult time, this is usually not the case. Because new mothers can be sleep-deprived and their weight may not disappear as quickly as they’d like, "many women feel more unattractive in the first few weeks after delivery," she said, "so being especially supportive then is helpful."

Ashton reminds new fathers that any involvement is valued, and that there is always a role for them.

"When women choose to breast feed, men often feel left out, like there’s nothing for them to do." Not true, she said. "Babies respond differently to moms and dads, and they know the difference."

She said that babies recognize the father’s voice from before they were born, and find it "soothing and familiar." She also said that dads can easily settle babies "by holding them close so they can hear (the father’s) heartbeat, which is very comforting."

Ashton also warns of another unexpected yet frequently encountered emotion: envy. "I think men sometimes are kind of jealous of the amount of attention that their young child requires," she said.

New fathers should "realize that it will pass, and that getting the baby off to a good start is very important thing for both parents to do. After a period of time, the baby will require a little less attention and be more fun for the father."

Both Sunoo and Ashton emphasize the necessity of paying attention to your adult relationship through these life changes. "Make sure you spend time alone together and plan those dates right away," said Sunoo, even if it means scheduling an adults-only outing and arranging baby-sitting a month in advance. "In order to be a good parent, you need to be a good partner."

He said too many people spend all their time at work or with the kids, and "neglect the other areas of their lives that are equally important."

Ashton added: "It’s been shown that kids do better psychologically when the couple is the most important relationship in the family. Kids need to see their parents as happy, adjusted people who care for each other."

And that should start immediately.

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