Recovering mom focuses on parenting

Recovering addict Lisha Pagan, right, receives counseling from Cheryl Prince of the Parenting in Recovery program at St. Francis. Deborah Booker • The Honolulu Advertiser

Eight months ago, Lisha Pagan made a decision that would change her life.

She quit using.

Doing everything she could to get better, to kick the addiction and heal emotionally from her four years on drugs, Pagan dedicated herself to 12-step addiction programs and therapy sessions.

But there was one aspect of her life that she needed to work on: her family.

"I want to do the right thing," said the 30-year-old Kalihi resident, who has been clean for exactly eight months today. "I don’t want to neglect my kids because I don’t have any parenting skills. I want to do the right things this time. I thought I knew it back then, but I didn’t."

Although she needs to focus on her own recovery right now, she understands part of that process is learning to be a good parent again.

As a client of the Women’s Addiction Treatment Center of Hawai‘i at St. Francis Medical Center, Pagan was recruited to participate in its pilot program called Parenting in Recovery.

The new program, financed by the Chamber of Commerce of Hawai‘i’s Public Health Fund, was created to help mothers in recovery from substance abuse. Participants meet for 90 minutes once a week for eight weeks in group sessions designed to foster collaboration and create a support system. The program is open to all women, even those not part of the treatment center.

Parenting in Recovery differs from other parenting education programs in that it is designed specifically for parents who are recovering addicts. That makes a difference in what they need to learn, or re-learn, experts say.

Many still exhibit behaviors that they came to rely on during their active drug-taking and drinking, such as being too lenient with their children in order to avoid conflict they couldn’t handle, or being too rigid and critical with the children to avoid being judged by others because of their children’s behaviors.

The purpose of this program is to empower and instruct mothers to gain control over their family life as they strive for their own self-control.

"It’s important for women, and men, to look at what’s important

to them in their recovery, what they’ve learned about themselves," said project director Cheryl Prince. "Then they need to look at what’s important to them in raising their kids. What does your child look like as an adult?"

Rebuilding relationships

The program was created out of necessity.

About 70 percent of women who have been part of the Women’s Addiction Treatment Center of Hawai‘i have children. The center, formerly a residential treatment facility, sees about 200 women a year.

While some of these mothers still have custody of their children, some do not. This means the first task for these mothers is rebuilding a relationship and introducing their children, who may be in foster care or living with relatives, to their sober selves.

"It’s really important for them to understand that in order to raise children in a healthy way, they have to learn skills that they may not have learned when they were children," said Prince, a certified substance abuse counselor for the past 12 years. "We have to show children we love them, but also put structure in their lives. . . . This is very complex."

Many newly sober parents feel guilty for neglecting their children while using. This program gives parents the chance to resolve those feelings first to avoid acting out their guilt with the children.

For example, Pagan wanted to give her daughter her Game Boy to play with. Pagan also wanted her to share the toy with her younger brother. But enforcing the rule seemed difficult for Pagan, who had to learn to talk with her children about responsibility and consequences.

"That was a new thing to talk about," Prince said. "It was restructuring the environment."

During the early stages of recovery, it is best for addicts to focus on themselves, on getting better, she said. To shift that focus, especially on relationships that may need a lot of attention, may add too much stress.

Parenting in Recovery Program offered by the St. Francis Medical Center’s Women’s Addiction Treatment Center of Hawai‘i for mothers who are recovering from substance addiction 90 minutes once a week for eight weeks Next session: 10:30 to 11 a.m. Tuesdays beginning March 20 $3 per session Requirements: Must be over 18; sober for at least two continuous months; attend a half-hour intake interview; and if there has been any violence in the family, participants are required to first complete an anger management course For more information, call 547-6514

An unwavering requirement is that parents have to have been sober continuously for a minimum of two months before enrolling in Parenting in Recovery.

"Our belief is that it makes sense to offer parenting education to women after they’ve established a solid recovery," Prince said.

Pagan, a mother of three, is learning how to effectively communicate with her children, how to find solutions for her parenting concerns and how to love her children while setting limits at the same time.

"I’m learning to find their needs and wants, to look through their eyes," said Pagan, her enthusiasm for the class apparent in her voice. "I’m learning about their expectations, talking to them in words they can understand."

This is new ground for Pagan, who took her two older children, now 9 and 8, along for a four-year emotional roller-coaster ride while she was using. In hindsight, she can see how drugs changed her life.

Pagan went from being married and living in a three-bedroom, two-bathroom home in Village Park to being kicked out of her apartment and losing her job.

Her children suffered along with her.

"I used to confuse them for awhile," Pagan said. "I don’t want to do that again."

Her two older children are aware of her past drug abuse. Pagan’s mother, who adopted them, has explained to them why they were taken away. (Her 5-month-old son is in foster care.)

But part of Pagan’s parenting education is having to talk with the children about what happened. On her own.

"We talked about this (in class)," she said. "I need to ask them how they feel about things, if they remember anything, just so that they know what could happen and let them know that the things I said and did was their mom under the influence of drugs. I don’t want them to think . . . I’m the same person. I’m not."

Rocky road to recovery

Recovery is not easy.

In addition to resisting the temptation to use again, recovering addicts have to piece together their lives, from getting jobs to mending family relationships to letting go of the behaviors that worked for them as addicts but hinder them in their new lives.

When Pagan made the decision to stop using and get help, she said the shift in lifestyle was strange, almost uncomfortable.

"Sometimes I got afraid at the beginning of my sobriety," Pagan said. "It felt like I was doing something wrong because I never was sober for so long. I was doing all the right things, but things I never did before."

Her goal now is to get her youngest child back from foster care and nurture her relationships with her older children.

The program is helping Pagan become a better mother — and person: "I’m learning different ways of seeing things. We see it as one way — our way — but to see things in different ways so (the children) can understand is so great."

Being on her own has been important to her recovery. It gives her time and space to focus on her getting better. During the week, Pagan attends about nine meetings in various programs. But she always makes time for her children, who visit on weekends.

They are her purpose, she said, her reason to get better.

"Everything is getting better," Pagan said, "as long as I stay clean."

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