Children must learn how to control sassy language
By Lynne Wikoff
Special to the Advertiser
It's embarrassing to admit, but using the kind of language we adults would call "talking back" – or "sassing," if children do it – still has a certain allure. Just thinking of a great "comeback line" makes us feel strong and powerful. No wonder children take to this obnoxious behavior so naturally–it's as though we humans have a sassing gene.
As adults, though, we've learned to moderate our sassing tendencies, and we know we need to teach our children to do so, too. The question is, how?
What about just explaining to children that they shouldn't talk back or sass? Dream on! Here are some suggestions that are likely to be more successful.
• Teach the very young "perp." Preschoolers are by nature self-centered and still learning the niceties of social conversation, and it doesn't take them long to learn the power of words. So when a preschooler screams, "I'm not going to put away my toys and you can't make me," he or she wants his of her way, and he or she said so.
To teach politeness, you could say, "That's mean talk. You need to tell me nicely. Now, try again."
Of course, playing the "youth" card doesn't entitle him to a free pass – he still needs to put the toys away.
• Ignore the older offender. School-age children generally know when they are being sassy. Common aims for such talk are to establish independence (a worthy goal, but the wrong route) and to irritate parents, a lure kids find hard to resist. But children need to learn the limits of civil conversation, not just to stop irritating their parents, but also to learn how to communicate respectfully to other people, including friends, teachers and, in the future, employers.
The most powerful tool at your disposal is to ignore them. Sassiness is a game that requires two players, and if you opt out, the game is over. You can say something such as, "I'm not going to respond until you speak to me nicely," (which you must say only once or you will be back in the game), or simply walk away and say nothing.
For ignoring to work, you must also avoid rewarding sassy behavior or giving in to sassy demands. For example, one mother arrived at her son's sport practice with a snack for him, only to be greeted with a rude remark. So she didn't give him the snack.
• Pay attention when your children are being polite. We've all seen kids trying to get their parents' attention appropriately, but they get no response until, out of desperation, they resort to being rude – and it works. Even if the attention they get is negative, it's better than no attention at all. Worse yet, they learn that being rude pays off.
• Be consistent. Children need clear signals about what behavior is acceptable. When you clamp down on disrespectful talk one day and tolerate it the next, they may see your requirements as arbitrary and not get the message–and you may be unwittingly reinforcing obnoxious talk.
• Use respectful language yourself. Kids learn (sometimes more than we'd like) from the example we set. If they hear parents speak rudely to each other or to other adults, they'll speak rudely to us.
• Talk about what you hear on television. Rude, sassy talk abounds on TV. If we uttered lines like the ones that seem so funny on sitcoms, we would more likely be scorned than admired. Discuss with your children why some things are so funny as entertainment yet inappropriate to say in real life.
Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.
Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
