More guidelines on envelope ethics

• In Hawai'i, tradition can pay off

By Wayne Harada
Advertiser Staff Writer

According to the experts:

Affordability: Give what you can afford, but figure on at least $50 per person for a wedding.

Relationships: Consider your relationships and the occasion; a birthday gift could be a little bigger than a bon-voyage monetary gift, particularly if the traveler makes many trips every year.

Motive: If you're doing the inviting for a celebration with a meal, consider the closeness of the relationships before making your guest list. The reason to invite a person is not to get a gift, but to welcome the presence of the guest. If the invited guest is not a close friend or relative, he or she will be put on a spot: Do I decline and not send a gift, or do I simply RSVP regrets and send a gift? The gift factor generally is determined by the nature of the relationship.

Koden can be costly in the Buddhist community; in addition to funeral services, there are benchmark observations (seventh-day service, every seven days, up to the 49th day after death). "Nowadays, the seventh-day ceremony is combined with the funeral, and the next observance would be on the 49th day," said George J. Tanabe Jr. of the University of Hawai'i religion department. "Each time, there's usually a koden involved. It can become expensive. Usually, only immediate family members give envelopes following the funeral."

Breaking barriers: If you give koden to a friend not accustomed to the practice, include a note along with the money, with a simple "please accept this as an expression of condolence."

Thanks: Following a funeral, birthday, graduation, wedding or any event in which a gift is received, a note is mandatory. "The sooner, the better," said local etiquette guru Pam Futa-Campbell, about a newly-wedded couple's mahalos. "I would say no later than three months." And e-mail is a bad, bad idea.