Family Matters
Tips on keeping your children out of the divorce disputes
By Lynne Wikoff
The fact that divorce is common, affecting about 2,500 families with children in Hawai'i each year, doesn't make it any less painful for those involved.
"Divorce is a life crisis," says child psychologist Pamela Merez of the Counseling Center at Kapi'olani Medical Center for Women and Children. "Even when circumstances are ideal, the adjustment period following a divorce averages two years."
The adjustment process generally begins with anger, loneliness and pain, then moves, ideally, through acceptance and, finally, healing.
Contrary to what many people believe, a recent long-term study at Iowa State University on children from divorced families found "the vast majority of children from divorced families do just fine." Results confirmed that "what is essential for kids is that they be parented well."
Children adjust most easily when adults set their own hurts and issues aside to continue to parent together. This is often a tall order —after all, if the couple got along well, they may not have divorced. Nevertheless, concern for their children's welfare should guide their behavior.
The first step is to accept that your children don't harbor the same hostile feelings you may have about your ex-spouse. "Parents are often shocked at this realization," says Merez. "But kids love and identify with both their parents, even when one has done something the other considers awful." So it's important to avoid speaking negatively about your ex-spouse; if you do, your children can't help but feel personally attacked and unloved, since they are genetically half that parent.
Children should also be protected from ongoing conflict between their divorced or divorcing parents. Set up a system to talk privately with your ex-spouse about personal matters and parenting issues, and avoid using your children as messengers between you. If your discussions become too heated, or if you can't reach agreement, it's wise to seek assistance from a counselor experienced in divorce issues.
Also, don't turn to your kids for what should be adult companionship. It's natural for divorcing adults to seek support and care from others, but those others should be their own friends and relatives. Kids need the security of knowing their parents will take care of them. They shouldn't be made to feel responsible for their parents' adjustment.
On a cautionary note, recent research also indicates that divorce is more often emotionally disturbing to boys than to girls. To be sure, both boys and girls benefit when the mother, usually the custodial parent, adjusts well and is an effective parent. For boys, though, that's not enough. They also need the active parenting involvement of their non-custodial fathers to reduce the risk of behavior problems and depression.
Be aware that children's struggles with divorce are not always obvious. Some try to hide their feelings to protect their parents or make them feel happy. Signs of hidden stress include being quieter than usual, becoming a perfectionist, declining in school performance and experiencing difficulties with friends. Says Merez, "Difficulties with divorce are sometimes hard to discern, so some parents bring their children in just for a divorce 'check up.' "
For more information, Merez recommends the book "Helping Children Cope with Divorce," by Edward Reyber (Lexington Books, $16), which includes a section on shielding children from parents' conflicts.
Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old stepgrandchildren.
Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
