Parodic memo sums it up

By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer

To: All non-essential state employees

From: Gov. Ben Cayetano

Subject: Doing your part

In order to pay for raises negotiated by public school teachers without impacting taxpayers, a number of changes in your employment status will be necessary.

Consequently:

• The services of all Department of Education employees who do not have direct daily contact with children will no longer be required. Those with seniority, however, may opt to bump any actual teacher from a secure position and inherit their new, higher salary. With my blessing.

• Any person in the Department of Transportation who has never ridden the bus to and from work will automatically receive a two-week suspension without pay. However, this may be reduced to one week should the employee volunteer to fill potholes, paint road signs, operate the Zipper machine or otherwise do something that actually improves traffic flow.

• Any Agriculture Department officials who can't immediately show evidence of Waimanalo, Wai'anae or Kahuku mud on their shoes will be fired. No exceptions.

• The office of the lieutenant governor is hereby closed by official decree until further notice.

• All employees of the Department of Accounting and General Services who do not do any actual accounting (i.e., those in the so-called general services), will be dismissed. The remaining members of the department will be transferred to the Budget & Finance Department, which is pretty much the same thing.

• Any employee of the Commerce and Consumer Affairs Department who has not actually helped a consumer in the last 12 months will be placed on indefinite leave. (We can't fire everyone; the unions won't stand for it.)

• All employees of the state Department of Defense will immediately be transferred to the federal government, which really is the proper authority to defend us.

• Any member of the Human Services Department who does not actually perform a service, human or otherwise, will be drawn, quartered and burned. (Nah, nah, just kidding. Actually you're fired, but don't you feel better? Ha. Ha. Who says I don't have a sense of humor?)

• All members of the state Legislature who "funded" those raises for teachers before I even got to negotiate them will be immediately impeached.

• Any other employee who can demonstrate that his or her job is not necessary will be transferred to an actual working position at an equal or higher salary, then given a 10 percent annual bonus for honesty.

OK, that should do it for now. If any of the rest of you who survived this round of budget improvements are thinking of asking for raises, please remember that you could be jeopardizing the rest of your fellow non-essential employees in the future.

Mike Leidemann's columns appear Thursdays and Saturdays in the Advertiser.