Husbands play dumb about other women

By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Columnist

A good husband never notices other women.

Yeah, right!

Still, it's good to maintain the fiction. We buy Playboy for the interviews and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for the hockey news.

If women want to believe that men don't think about other women, why should we disappoint them?

As far as my wife knows, I can't tell Marilyn Monroe from Marilyn Manson from Madonna. I let her think that the bodies of Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Aniston are kind of mixed up in my mind.

I pretend I can never tell the difference between Kate Winslet, Kate Beckinsale and Kathy Bates.

This produces surprisingly good results on the home front.

"Elle MacPherson is on Letterman tonight," my wife will say.

"Who?"

"Oh, you're such a good husband."

The last actress I pretended to recognize was Myrna Loy, who starred in the "Thin Man" series back in the 1930s and '40s.

"At least you've got good taste," my wife said.

The other day though, I slipped up.

I blew my cover.

Now I'm in trouble.

We were discussing movies. We were trying to find something we'd both like to see. We ruled out "Jurassic Park," "Planet of the Apes," "Artificial Intelligence," "Shrek," "Cats & Dogs," "Dr. Doolittle 2," "Final Fantasy," "Tomb Raider" and just about everything else featuring a nonhuman or superhuman star.

It doesn't leave much this summer.

How about "Legally Blonde?" I suggested.

"What's it about?"

"I don't know. It's the one with Reese Witherspoon."

There was a short silence. Then my wife said: "What did you say?"

I was trapped. I wasn't supposed to recognize beautiful actresses. I tried to backtrack.

"Maybe, it's about Jimmy Witherspoon, the jazz musician," I said. "Or John Witherspoon, the sixth president of Princeton."

"You said Reese Witherspoon. She's a beautiful actress," my wife said.

"I wouldn't know. Honest. I just heard the movie was funny."

"Yeah, right," my wife said. "And I suppose you buy the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just to read the hockey news."

"That's right. I swear I can't tell Elle Macpherson in a thong from Cindy Crawford in a bikini," I said.

"You're such a liar," my wife said.

"I know, but that's what makes me such a good husband."

We ended up going to see "Planet of the Apes."

The women apes all looked alike to me. Honest.

Mike Leidemann's columns appear Thursdays and Saturdays in the Advertiser. Reach him at mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-5460.