Family Matters`
A promise is a promise, for adults or for children
By Ka'ohua Lucas
"When I get home, we'll go to a movie," my husband announces. "What movie does everyone want to see?"
The children eagerly snatch the movie section of the newspaper and begin to scan it.
"Honey," I whisper, "are you sure you're going to be home early? Don't tell the kids you are if you're not."
"Don't worry," he assures me. "It's Sunday. I'll go in to work for a few hours, and then meet you guys there."
My husband has been pretty good about keeping the promises he makes to our kids.
Making a promise and not fulfilling it can be devastating to a child.
Hawaiians have an appropriate saying for a person who makes promises but never keeps them: He puhi makani, or just blowing wind.
The late Hawaiian scholar Mary Kawena Pukui cited an incident in her book, "Nana I Ke Kumu," about a social worker who interviewed a Hawaiian mother of six.
"All we ask is that you promise to find a house within this rental allowance in 90 days," the social worker said. "You have three whole months. But you must give us your word now that you will do this."
The mother sat, contemplating the request. Pukui wrote, "Her face was heavy, her eyes blank with the inward struggle to reach a decision. At last she made up her mind.
"'No, I won't. No promise. Cannot,'" she answered.
For Hawaiians, a ho'ohiki, or promise, is a pledge not to be made unless it can be kept. If a promise is broken, the promise-maker is guilty of hua 'olelo.
I believe ho'ohiki should not be taken lightly, and we have a responsibility as parents to ensure that our children abide by that standard.
"Mom," my eldest son pleads. "I promise to take a shower at the next commercial."
"All right, son," I say. "But remember. You have a binding contract with me. The TV will go off in 15 minutes."
The commercial break comes and goes.
"Excuse me. Didn't you agree to take a shower at the next commercial break?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot. But I promise to take one after this."
"No, I need you to take one, now," I say, restraining myself.
"Look, Mom," he pleads. "This is the best part of the show. I promise I'll go right after this."
I decide that action speaks louder than words.
I remove the channel changer from his vise-like grip and press the "off" button. The image on the screen evaporates.
"Mom!" he whines as he leaps up from the lounger and storms off to the bathroom. "That was the best part of the show. I swear! You're unreal sometimes."
Although my son felt that he still had time to fulfill his promise, I felt otherwise.
This is one lesson he'll remember.
When mom says something, she means it.
And that's a promise!
Ka'ohua Lucas has an 18-year-old daughter and two sons, 11 and 7. She hold a master's degree in education curriculum and instruction, and works as an educational consultant on Hawaiian curriculum.
Lucas and fellow Hawai'i parent Lynne Wikoff take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
