Posted on: Sunday, August 12, 2001
Some women are taking a break from marriage
USA Today
Ever wanted to take a powder from your marriage? Just up and leave your husband — not to be with someone else — but to reconnect with the person you were before you became the caretaker of everyone else?
Women in their 40s and 50s are doing it, some even taking time off from their semi-grown kids, according to Cheryl Jarvis, author of "The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey That Brings You Home" (Perseus, hardcover, $24). These women startle many of their friends. But an amazing number of experts support the idea.
"Sometimes people have needs that have nothing to do with their marriage," says sociologist Pepper Schwartz, co-author of the landmark study "American Couples." "They may need a spiritual quest, or have a need for adventure, or need solitude, which is a very important counterpoint to daily life. And solitude is almost impossible to achieve" without going away."
Janis Kirstein, 46, is a high school art teacher in Louisville who says she is taking such a sabbatical at the Vermont Studio Center in Johnson, Vt. At her husband's suggestion, she is dedicating a month to creativity, to learning more about her art while somebody else fixes the meals.
"We talk on the phone daily," she says of husband Brooke Rigor, a lawyer. They have been married since 1986 and together since 1977. "But it is just so nice to have this space here" that is both emotional and physical. She is finding a "sense of renewal and perspective. And I will bring renewed energy back to my marriage."
Jarvis defines a sabbatical as a "personal timeout from daily routines for creative, professional, or spiritual growth, for study, reflection or renewal." It is not a vacation, a visit with friends or a sick parent, a few days at a spa or a summer at the lake with the kids. She is fudgy about the length of time. For some women, a few weeks might be adequate; others may require months — but the length of time is agreed upon ahead of time.
John Gottman, a pioneering University of Washington couples researcher, thinks it is a great idea, a way for man to "honor a woman's dreams." Women have to deal, he says, with "what I call the female lie: that they can be happy if they focus on relationships. Relationships are not everything."
His own wife took three weeks off to fulfill her dream, "going to Mount Everest base camp before she was 50. I said, 'Are you crazy? This is dangerous.' But she went anyway, organizing a trip for 11 women," says Gottman, co-author of "The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers" (Crown, $24). "She has a picture of herself at 18,500 feet. And I have never seen her happier."
Jarvis weaves her book from threads of her own experience. A St. Louis journalist, she secured two grants and spent three months at various writers' colonies as she honed her book. It was her first time away from her husband of 30 years.
Not all the women have success stories. One grown daughter took eight months to forgive her mom for being absent during the daughter's first pregnancy. That traveler's marriage also still struggles day to day. Another, Jarvis says, spent "a miserable five weeks in China," having bitten off more than she could chew. Still it was a landmark experience the woman would not have traded, Jarvis says.
Taking time off is not an invitation to an affair for either spouse, say Jarvis and the women she interviewed. "These women want time for themselves, not another entanglement," Jarvis said.
Sabbaticals of three months to one year are actually prescribed by Washington, D.C., psychologist and marital therapist Catherine Gray. "They are most effective when a relationship is just getting dull, a victim of low energy." Partners are held accountable for the personal growth they achieve while apart.
But other experts find the idea of a wife's leaving home quite appalling. Says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, a couples' research and resource organization: "I think it's a bad message: that marriage is something that holds you back instead of marriage as a vehicle that can help women and men realize their dreams."
Why not include the men, Sollee wonders. "Men get just as sick of the grind. Couples should be encouraged to arrange for sabbaticals together. I don't think couples do enough of that."
Maggie Scarf, author of "Intimate Partners, Patterns In Love and Marriage" (Ballantine, $4.95), applauds the concept of a wife's getting away. But she makes a distinction between a sabbatical that lasts two weeks and one that goes on for months: "That sounds like a separation to me." And she cautions that a young child would not be able to understand mom's being gone for an extended leave. "That could have an effect on the child's future."
