Family Matters
Mom suggests flexibility about child's chores

By Lynne Wikoff

There's hardly a parent around who can't recite the value of children doing chores: Household duties give children a sense of competence and of being important to the family, make them feel good about themselves and teach them the skills they'll need to manage as adults.

Yet, when parents are asked about their own families, many say they wish they were handling the chores issue better — even those whom others would see as doing a good job.

An important issue related to chores is whether to pay kids for doing them. Usually the wisest course is not to, except perhaps for occasional major assignments. The rational reason not to pay kids for household duties is that they should be done simply because each family member should contribute to the family's well being. As Betty Mastrantonio, a Manoa mother of two teens, puts it, "We're all busy, so we all have to pitch in. We couldn't function otherwise."

Lofty ideals aside, paying kids for chores doesn't often work. Some kids jump on what seems like an opportunity to nag to be paid for every little thing. Others aren't motivated by money and don't perform, creating new chores for parents — devising a penalty system and monitoring it.

In the Mastrantonio house, the kids alternate monthly between two lists of chores, although there is some leeway for individual skills. Previously, their system was a little looser, with tasks chosen from one master list. "We keep trying different things to make it work better," says Betty. In any case, she finds that reminders are still sometimes necessary.

With a household that includes two parents with demanding jobs and five children ranging in age from 3 to 15, Dawn Ching of Honolulu has no choice but to be organized. She has lists of daily, weekly and occasional chores, and says, "The kids know which jobs they are supposed to handle." Dawn reports that they often swap chores on their own, or help each other out. She also keeps an eye on them to make sure they all contribute equally, and if things aren't done, she takes action.

Dawn also says she tries to be realistic about her standards. For example, since she and her husband don't like clutter, they insist that family areas always be kept tidy, but during the school week, they don't insist on the same standards for the kids' rooms. She also relies on baskets to hold small items as a way to reduce clutter.

Other tips:

• Lower your expectations. Kids are still learning, and they're not going to perform chores perfectly. Encouraging them will yield better results than scolding.
• Be specific, breaking large tasks into smaller units that are more easily doable. For example, instead of saying, "Clean up this mess," say, "Start by putting the big toys on the shelves." When that's done, you can give the next direction.
• When starting children on a new task, do it with them to teach them how.
• Avoid nagging. Kids respond better to more "neutral" reminders, such as notes.
• Consider which jobs or chore systems best suit your child's skills and personality style.
• Be matter-of-fact about household duties. If you act like your children's chores are a burden, they'll see them that way, too.

Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old stepgrandchildren.

Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.