Grandparenting from afar

By Shayna Coleon
Advertiser Staff Writer

Caroline Tavares misses her grandchildren's laughter and the noise their tiny bare feet made when they ran around the rooms in her house in Makawao, Maui.

Illustration by Greg Taylor • The Honolulu Advertiser

The telephone calls from her granddaughter, Annie, no longer announce, "We're coming over, grandma!"

Instead, nowadays, "Little Annie keeps saying, 'grandma, when I get big, I'm coming over to Maui to see you,'" Tavares said. "Her daddy tells her to stop saying things like that. And I don't say anything because it might make it worse. But she misses Maui; this is home to her and her brother."

Such distance presents a challenge for those who value a close-knit family life. What are faraway, adoring grandparents to do?

Some 43 million people, or 16 percent of the nation, moved homes between 1999 and 2000, according to a mobility survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Among those movers were 103,308 people who moved out of Hawai'i.

"What we're finding is that in the Islands, we definitely are seeing long-distance grandparent relationships occurring more frequently," said Sylvia Yuen, director of the Center on the Family at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa. "And, like any other relationship when you have that distance, you have to be careful that the relationship does not begin to deteriorate. ...

"There is something about face-to-face communication that can never replaced," Yuen added. "But there are different ways of communicating that can intensify and add richness to these long-distance relationships. ... If a grandparent is willing to invest their emotions, time, energy and sometimes even their money into their grandchildren, a good relationship can be established. You have to invest in it, though. You have to make the contact and do whatever it takes to strengthen that bond."

When a grandparent has a constant presence in a child's life, Yuen said, the child will benefit from the relationship in the future.

"From a kid's point of view, the more people they have in their world (who) listen to them, offer them support and guide them through their development, the more likely they will do well in life," Yuen said. "Kids need to know that you are there in my life, and you are not leaving, and 'You are constant in my life — no matter what happens, I can count on you.'"

Weekly phone calls

Tavares saw her grandchildren in June when they came to visit for two weeks, but many long-distance grandparents must make do with less.

Tavares said she and her daughter are trying to compensate for the distance with a routine of weekly phone calls.

"The phone keeps ringing, once or twice a week," Tavares said. "When I call there, they have to talk to grandma. The kids want to talk to us because we have a different bond than a parent-child bond."

When Tavares speaks with her grandchildren, she doesn't mind if their conversation topics randomly switch from chocolate-chip cookies to going to the beach.

Telephone communication can begin when the grandchildren are still babies, said Renee Gamiao, a grandmother from Kapalama.

Her only grandson, Jayvin-Reese Gamiao, is eight months old and in Washington with her son and daughter-in-law.

"They put the phone next to him, and he's at the age where he is starting to respond to my voice and talk," said Gamiao, 50. "It's really important to my husband and me that the baby knows who we are, even if it's going to be through a long-distance call."

If long-distance rates seem prohibitive, shop around; cheaper phone rates are widely available from telephone companies. Gamiao said her cellular phone rate cuts down her long-distance phone bills. "We can call them at two cents a minute," Gamiao said. "So, I talk to them three or four times a week."

Technology, as in e-mail and the Internet, can also ease the strain of a long-distance relationship, said Eric Wiggin, author of "The Gift of Grandparenting," a book that offers grandparents advice on building meaningful relationships with their grandchildren.

The 62-year-old Michigan grandfather has 10 grandchildren, and half of them live in Texas and Indiana.

"Some older folks are resistant to the Internet and e-mail," Wiggin said in a phone interview from his home. "But I discovered my granddaughters love to e-mail. They send me messages saying, 'Whatcha doing, grandpa?'"

"The grandkids need their grandparents," Wiggins said. "So, if you're a grandparent, you need to be on your grandchild's e-mail list."

Finding ways to connect

Hilo resident Mona Holcomb said her 75-year-old mother had to think of different ways to connect with her 11-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son.

Holcomb's mother lives in Fiji and does not know English well enough to communicate easily with her grandchildren. Holcomb said it is important to her that her children know their Indian-Fijian background.

"My mother will always make and send things in the mail that we don't have here," said Holcomb, 38. "She'll make her Indian sweets, with flour and sugar, called gulab jamun. The kids love it, and oh, they get so excited when their nani sends them things."

Their nani, or grandmother, also sends Indian bracelets for her granddaughter, and spices and curry powders from Fiji that the kids can try, Holcomb said.

Holcomb said it's evident to her that through her mother's unique treats and gifts that her children are learning about their grandmother and their Indian Fijian heritage. The children are demonstrating their curiosity with questions.

"They know more about her, and the next time when they try to talk to her on the phone, they want her to visit," Holcomb said. Holcomb's children have not seen their grandmother since 1996. "They always ask nani, 'When are you coming to see us?' My mother always starts crying."

Tips for bonding despite distance

Some tips on bonding with faraway grandchildren, including some ideas from "The Long Distance Grandmother: How to Stay Close to Distant Grandchildren," by Selma Wassermann (Hartley and Marks; $16.95).

• Talk on the phone regularly. Do this even if the children are too young to talk back. Babies will get used to hearing the sound of your voice.
• Send gifts throughout the year. They don't have to be expensive, and they don't have to be only for special occasions. They only need to encourage interaction. Send a magnifying glass and ask the children later what they looked at. Or send a package of modeling clay and ask them what they made.
• Read the same book the grandchildren are reading, then discuss it over the phone.
• Send lots of photos and videos of interesting things you do, and ask them to send some back.
• Take advantage of the Internet. Don't just limit yourself to e-mail. Chat in real time, or buy a videophone that allows people to see one another as they talk. Send links to interesting Web sites, and play online games together in real time, then talk about them later on the phone.
• Ask to vacation with the children. Be sure to select family-friendly destinations.