Turn to family for comfort during holidays

By Karen S. Peterson
USA Today

Emotionally, the holidays can be rough.

For many, the season sparkles with love and goodwill. But for others, family gatherings can feel more like "The Sopranos" than "Leave It to Beaver."

Normal holiday seasons can cause increased stress and anxiety as individuals struggle to fix the perfect meal or find the perfect gift or be the perfect son or daughter.

But this is not a normal holiday season.

This year, with continuing threats of terrorism, "the bar has been raised," says Jerilyn Ross, president of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, a nonprofit advocacy group.

"There is probably nobody in this country who hasn't been affected by the events of the recent tragedy. At some level, all of us are feeling sad. Many of us are feeling scared," she says.

This year's emotional debris will include families who won't be able to be with Grandma: The fear of flying remains strong. Others will be wary of receiving holiday cards and opening packages that have been roughed up a bit in the holiday mail.

Some will deal with an empty place at the table as troops are sent overseas. Others fret about what the new year will bring as anxiety closets fill to bursting.

The most damaging change may be the lack of customary visits with family, even though relatives can be troublesome at times, says Jack Gorman, a psychiatrist and researcher at Columbia University in New York.

"This is the most important time of the year to visit family," he says. "That is the most basic joy that we have in life." If family relationships are handled adroitly, visits — and the sense of continuity they provide — can be comforting.

To continue to keep at bay the normal fears prompted by war, most people will not need mental health professionals, he says. But they do need contact with loved ones who care.

"If we allow ourselves not to be with our families, the terrorists accomplish what they want," he says. If we can't be with friends and family members, "we are more apt to withdraw" from normal life and rely on bad habits such as drinking to buoy depressed spirits.

Ross and Gorman held a news conference recently to discuss what Americans can do to alleviate anxiety and enjoy this season of muted celebration.

Ross suggests various strategies:

• Talk with relatives about the terrorist attacks if talking is appropriate.

  "It is important for us, of course, to be able to talk about our thoughts and our feelings, but not everybody is ready to do that, wants to do it, needs to do it or should be pushed to do it. I think it's very important that we respect in each other what we're feeling and thinking," he said.

• Set limits. If you've already had enough discussion in your life about the stresses and the trauma and you're too close to it and don't want to talk about it, it's perfectly OK to say, "I'd rather not discuss that right now. I'm really feeling like I need some distance."

• Give yourself permission to be emotional. Sometimes that in itself is healing. But at other times, it may be too soon for tears.

• Don't choose the holidays to resolve a family crisis. Don't tell somebody off at the table. You may say to your relative, "Let's plan after the new year to talk or to write or to get together."

  It's OK to plan those things, but don't make the few hours you have together intense or unpleasant.

• Pay attention to stress hygiene. Do the things that normally keep us feeling mentally and physically well.

  Eat three meals a day, exercise, don't drink too much, get enough sleep and avoid caffeine, which exacerbates anxiety.

• Don't make major life changes. Don't change jobs or relationships unless you have been giving such a major decision careful thought and the terrorist events give you the impetus to go ahead.

  But if you are making the decision because you're depressed, or because you're just giving up, this is not the time to do that.

• Keep doing healthy things that give you pleasure. If you have taken up yoga or acupuncture or alternative medicine and let it slide, now is the time to try it again.

• Practice relaxation techniques. When we're stressed, we tend to do funny things with our breathing, holding our breath, or taking too deep a breath and suddenly getting lightheaded. Take slow, deep breaths through your diaphragm. Say words like "calm" as a mantra. Or bring up a pleasant image, a place you enjoy and go there in your mind. Play calming music.

• Maintain rituals. If you walk the dog at a certain time of day, keep doing it, rather than saying you no longer have time because you have to check out the news. Things that are comfortable, familiar, ritualistic are very important to do. They are almost like the teddy bear we felt comfortable with.

• Limit the amount of time spent following the news.

  Stories about decreased holiday travel because of terrorism can make us more anxious.

• Do things that provide a sense of control. Do be mindful and speak up if you are suspicious of a letter, package or of a passenger on an airplane. It's not a time to be passive.

• Validate yourself. Recognize what you are doing to help others cope, whether it is having your child write letters to the children who lost parents, or collecting money in the school.

• Review what is going well in your life.

If we can do these things, Ross says, then for many of us, the holidays will be a happy time. The joy will take over.