Posted on: Monday, December 3, 2001

60 Seconds on Business
Listening helps build lasting relationships

By Dr. Drake Beil
President, Solutions Inc.

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care, according to Steven Covey. That's why empathy is important in business and personal relationships.

Active listening is taught in many management programs. But the real skill in empathy is going one step further and offering a sincere, thoughtful response. It requires expressing an emotion that the other person might have experienced.

The very act of honestly grasping for how the other person felt builds a bond. The key is adding a feeling statement devoid of advice or opinions. We want trust, not guidance in such delicate moments.

Keep this phrase in mind: "You feel HOW because WHY?"

Developing empathy requires guessing how the other person feels and why.

Words like "surprised" and "concerned" work fairly well in emotionally charged situations. If you respond with genuine sincerity, not with sarcasm in your tone of voice or on your face, you'll often get a positive response. If you guessed their emotion correctly, that "yes" response will come right away.

A positive response puts you on the path of agreements. If you didn't guess right, but if the other person believed you were sincere, they'll tell you in the next sentence how they feel and why. Just listen.

A simple sentence can salvage a relationship and build trust. But be careful of the images you put in other people's heads. A well-intentioned but incorrect response can make an touchy situation even worse.

Reach Dr. Drake Beil at drake@60secondsonbusiness.