When parents live with adult child, respect is key to peace

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Staff Writer

Anne Dolan, with cat, and her children live in Kailua with her parents, Jan and Will. More than a decade since they moved back in, the generations still say that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. Jeff Widener • The Honolulu Advertiser

Still, having older parents and an adult child's family living together means issues still bubble up the stairs of their two-level multifamily home in the Ku'ulei tract of Kailua:

The state of the yard, which they share. The decibel level of the teenage grandkids' music. Basic issues, such as privacy and cleanliness.

And then there are the emotional issues that can arise when adult children and parents live together — a consideration that doesn't always get the ink other aspects of the phenomenon have.

The "reblending" of biological families, when parents come to live with their adult children (or vice versa), is an issue sure to get increasing attention in coming years.

Claire Berman, author of "Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents," said one in seven adults cares for an elderly relative, and by 2020, that will be one in three. Already, figures from the latest U.S. Census show that Hawai'i has the highest proportion of multigenerational households in the country, at 8.2 percent. The national average is about 4 percent.

Contributing to the phenomenon is that people are living longer, and living longer with disability, she pointed out. More aging parents and their adult children will come together under single roofs as baby boomers age.

"It's the big challenge of the next generation," said Pam Jaasko, coordinator for Parent Line, a statewide telephone service for parents and others with concerns about children.

How do families cope with the tug-of-war that often comes with such reblended families? Besides disagreements over living conditions, there are changes in the relationship between parents and the adult child.

The parent-child relationship changes when you meet on this equal footing, Jaasko said.

Questions arise: Who's in charge of what? Who pays what? And who has the final say?

"It's really a power struggle, is what it is," said clinical therapist Lynda Hutchens. "It's always about balance, about boundaries."

The Riches and Dolan weathered the storm of the beginning of their combined living situation. In 1990, when they first melded two grandparents, two parents and four grandchildren, including a baby, into one household, the house was in the midst of renovation chaos.

Now, more than a decade later, with the oldest child off to college, both generations are able to say that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.

After her daughter and son-in-law divorced and he moved to Texas, Jan Rich was able to provide backup for her grandchildren, and her husband has been a valuable male presence in Dolan's three younger sons' lives. And, Rich notes, they've been there for Dolan, too.

"God has us here for a reason," said Rich, a social worker who is director of a Catholic Charities program. "It's a blessing for us to be close to the kids as they've grown and matured."

Maybe the yard isn't quite as stellar as they'd like it to be. And maybe Rich bites her tongue sometimes, rather than come across as an interfering grandmother.

For her part, Dolan likes that her children have had some continuity after the divorce; that she's been able to continue her work as a kindergarten teacher; that the built-in support system carried her through a recent bout with the flu and bronchitis.

Those are more than enough pluses to offset the down side of having your mother quiz you, a 43-year-old mother of four, about who you're dating.

Respecting one another and yet establishing boundaries is key, said Hutchens, adding that it's important that everyone feel that each opinion is valued.

"The problem is when nobody is listening," she said.

The issues are more than emotional for some households.

Dean Alegado, a University of Hawai'i professor of ethnic studies who has studied the immigrant situation here, said cultural, legal, financial and other issues also come into play in some expanded 'ohana situations.

Family obligation plays a strong role in the formation of the extended 'ohana systems of Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders, such as Samoans, he said. There's also an emphasis placed on "kokua," or helping each other out.

For Asians, whether immigrant or descended several generations, caring for one's parents is a central value as well.

Some cultures also combine living and work relationships, Alegado noted. Family members become business assets: Besides combining their financial resources, they provide labor for the family business.

"There's an obligation to contribute to the overall good of the family," he said.

That raises a host of other issues, among them: legal obligations to care for an immigrant; language barriers; and the relying on the younger generation in a role reversal.

"They're dependent on parents, but as time goes by, immigrant kids begin to acculturate and become more local than their parents," he said. "Parents rely more and more on their kids."

Including the grown kids.

Although Jaasko is not an immigrant, she expects that in the not-too-distant future, her father will be coming to live with her from the Mainland.

Dealing with "Daddy," as she calls him, requires a certain finesse. She tries to approach him in nonthreatening ways, to make sure she doesn't encroach on his authority.

But she maintains that it's like remarrying somebody when two generations combine under one roof.

"It's not the same marriage, but there are some things that are similar," she said.

'Respect each other's boundaries'

Hutchens agrees that trying to reblend is not an easy thing to do.

She suggests each generation have its own thing, and encourages adult children, if married, to continue working on the marriage, making sure to have some time of their own.

The strength of the situation is that often the oldest generation works well with the youngest.

So are grandchildren and grandparents, as the old joke goes, united against a common foe?

Hutchens laughed.

"Of course your parents push your buttons," she said. "They installed them. With grandkids, they don't have them in place."

The benefit is, you get a break.

But coping with the elder generation's declining health can lead adult children to let other things slide, such as marriage and children.

"They're going to die," Jaasko said. "You'll never do enough to stop the process. You can get pulled into that vortex and neglect the things that look healthy and strong."

Hutchens and Jaasko suggest holding family meetings regularly to clear the air periodically.

"Set aside time when you deal with little irritants, so it doesn't come up all the time, picking at each other," Jaasko said.

In this periodic emotional housekeeping, stay on the task, and don't let it get personal.

And don't pull rank, she said. None of the "I'm the mother!" or "This is my house!" or "I changed your diapers!" stuff.

"The way you deliver is everything," Hutchens said. " ... Remember how you feel when they tell you what to do? No one likes to be told what to do after we become grownups."

The best thing Rich and Dolan have going in their mother-daughter relationship is a mutual respect. Rich praises Dolan's mothering abilities; Dolan admires her mother's vitality.

When they do need to work something out, Dolan feels confident she can trot up the stairs and knock on the door, ready to communicate.

Her mother might suggest a walk on nearby Kailua Beach, easing into the issue.

"We respect each other's boundaries," Dolan said. "... Our styles are different, but they also complement each other."

And pick your battles, they each said, separately.

"Look at what's really important," Dolan said.