Relationships
Study links marriage health to well-being of offspring

By John J. Shaughnessy
Indianapolis Star

Parents may be surprised by a new study that suggests it isn't necessarily your child-rearing skills that most affect a child's sense of well-being.

The study on families found children's mental health is linked to how satisfied parents are in their marriage and how they resolve conflicts. This is especially true in stable marriages.

The study also found that the way a father perceives his marriage and family relations has a greater influence on children's depression levels than the mother's perception.

The findings certainly surprised the researchers. Russell Crane, a professor at Brigham Young University thought mothers would have the larger influence because they're usually with their children more. Linna Wang, a professor at Alliant International University in San Diego, thought both parents would have a significant effect.

A key factor in the results is how women can separate their role of wife from their role of mother, while men tend to connect their roles as husband and father.

"Women believe it's their role to be a mother first, regardless of what happens in a marriage," Wang says.

"Traditionally, when there are marital problems, mothers (still) have a great relationship with their children. So when the dad comes home, he's the outsider. He feels lonely and withdraws. Or he behaves in a way to let people know — with violence or lashing out. Children pick up on their father's behavior cues. Often, they blame themselves."

Adding to the problem is that society views the mother as the primary caregiver for children and the father as the primary provider for the family.

Crane says a lot of the men he sees in his clinic say, "The only thing I'm good for is the paycheck."

"In my view, most wives and children don't believe that's the most important thing," says Crane, a father of eight. "They don't want more money. They want better quality of family life. They want more time together."

The best thing that fathers and mothers can do for their children is to focus on the marriage, Crane and Wang say. That focus shouldn't change when couples have conflicts.

"Parents need to take care of parents' business, no matter how severe it is," Crane says. "A lot of people don't want to discuss things that are in conflict. ... But it's a disadvantage to themselves and the kids."

Crane advises couples who have conflicts to try the "soft start" approach developed by John Gottman, a professor at the University of Washington.

Gottman, renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, suggests starting a conversation by speaking softly and touching your partner lightly. This is done to create the feeling that the two of you are in this together, that no threat is being made.

"Both men and women have to change the way they interact with children," Wang adds. "When you have conflicts as a couple, deal with them as a couple. Don't involve the children."