Family Matters
Illusions of a picture-perfect family quickly vanish
By Ka'ohua Lucas
Have you seen that commercial where a congenial family glides effortlessly through traffic in their brand new mini-van?
Picture-perfect children lounge contentedly in their seats while the picture-perfect mom and dad beam at each other, treasuring their oh-so-picture-perfect moment.
What is the reality of it all?
In my 'ohana, picture-perfect children and moments are few and far between.
Take for example, our recent family vacation.
Both my husband and I had been working long hours and decided to take our children on a little getaway.
We envisioned a respite in the volcano area on the Big Island: plenty of hiking, reading, toasting marshmallows over the coals and maybe a quick trip to Punalu'u's black-sand beach to observe the honu, or green sea turtles.
As we began our ascent from Hilo to Pele's domain, the commercial, flashing through my mind, was quickly interrupted.
"Move over, I don't have enough room," the 11-year-old complained as ZZ Top blared from the truck's speakers. "And turn down that music. It's on 64. The volume's too loud!"
"It's not too loud," the 7-year-old retorted. "You're too loud!"
"Stop touching me, then, you punk," the older one said.
"I can't help it. The stick shift is in the way!"
"Cut it out, you two!" I yelled. "We are supposed to be enjoying our family vacation."
"How can I enjoy my vacation when my brother is being such a punk?" my older son muttered.
The jostling quieted somewhat until we reached our pu'uhonua, or refuge, in the volcano area.
"What do you say we ditch the kids?" my husband suggested.
We had both about reached our limit in dealing with our two testosterone-filled boys.
The commercial came back to haunt me.
"OK, this is what we'll do," my husband said. "We'll go on a long hike so that they won't have much energy afterwards to argue, let alone get into any wrestling matches."
The stage was set. The next morning, we packed our gear and set forth.
My elder son chirped alongside, impressing me with his trivia.
"Mom, did you know that Nahiku (Thurston lava tube) is 300 meters long? Since 1 meter is equivalent to 1.09 yards, that would make the lava tube about three football fields in length, or just a little more than 900 feet."
But as we descended into Kilauea Iki crater, his enthusiasm waned.
"Where are we going? I thought this was going to be a two-mile hike. I'm not going any further. I may get heat stroke!"
After some prodding and a bribe of a soft drink after the hike, I was able to peel my son off the bench.
What started off as a two-mile hike ended up a six-mile one.
And what we had hoped to accomplish evaporated. After the hike, the bickering began anew.
"This is mine, not yours," my younger son complained to his brother as he waved a disposable camera in the front of his brother's face.
"No it's not," the elder said. "I left mine right here on the dining table. Yours is probably downstairs."
"Not! Mommy, this is mine. Tell him to give it back!"
Limp from the hike, I closed my eyes (and my ears) and tried to imagine what it would be like to have a picture-perfect family and picture-perfect moments.
I drew a blank.
All the bickering, nagging and tormenting enlivens the 'ohana.
In fact, as Mary Kawena Pukui writes in "'Olelo No'eau: Hawaiian Proverbs and Poetical Sayings": "He ihona, he pi'ina, he kaolo."
A going down, a going up, a going on a level road. So it is with life.
We may not have a picture-perfect family, but what we have adds a little spice to our lives.
Ka'ohua Lucas has an 18-year-old daughter and two sons, 11 and 7. She hold a master's degree in education curriculum and instruction, and works as an educational consultant on Hawaiian curriculum.
Lucas and fellow Hawai'i parent Lynne Wikoff take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
