Posted on: Monday, July 9, 2001

Woman crusades for gay rights

By Jessica Webster
Advertiser Staff Writer

Carolyn Golojuch stood next to the Imperial Court of Hawaii carriage as she prepared for the June 30th Gay and Lesbian Parade at Ala Moana Park. Golojuch is president of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Jeff Widener • The Honolulu Advertiser

Gay-bashing hurts Carolyn Golojuch.

It hurts nearly as much as the eggs, rocks and pennies hurled at her son Michael as he marched for civil rights and civil unions around O'ahu.

But one thing hurts more: the prospect of gay and lesbian children being exiled by their parents — kicked out of the house, cut off, denounced as aberrant.

For these reasons, and hundreds more, Golojuch is perpetually in mom-mode as president of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

In the past year, the 55-year-old social worker has thrust herself to the forefront of Hawai'i's successful gay and lesbian rights battles regarding harassment in public schools and hate-crimes legislation. Three years ago, she fought unsuccessfully for same-sex marriage legislation.

Last weekend, Golojuch could be found at the forefront of the annual Gay and Lesbian Parade through Waikiki, one of the high points of the year of the gay, lesbian and transgendered community.

"Everyone tells me my mom is the mother of the gay community here in Hawai'i," said Michael. "They tell me I'm lucky, daily. She's a hell-raiser — not afraid to speak up, and she won't fall into line."

Hate mail, anti-gay telephone messages and frequent public derision are a testament to the emotion Golojuch evokes on issues that divide the public and anger citizens who claim to have strong religious convictions.

Few people attend her meetings. But she is there for hundreds of concerned and sometimes panicked phone callers and e-mail writers. She meets parents and children at secret locations, including fast-food restaurants, coffee shops or her home, to tell them homosexuality is not a sick deviation or curse, and that it is nothing to be ashamed or sorry about.

"Carolyn's work is crucial, and she's committed," said PFLAG board member James Cartwright. "She's definitely more than a flash in the pan, and PFLAG is in existence because of her dedication. She's friendly, willing to listen to families and help share the burdens."

The burdens and myths of a homosexual stereotype are what Golojuch battles to debunk, sometimes for 30 or 40 hours a week.

"Parents and the shame," sighs Golojuch. "I know shame and guilt. These parents have pain in their voices, and I can hear it. I know what that's like, and I tell them that I've been there before."

Golojuch's birth as a gay-rights activist occurred shortly after her son admitted his secret in their car on the H-1 Freeway in June 1995. She remembers chattering about the stress and chaos of a friend's wedding planning, as her son sat quietly with a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

"You'll never have to worry about me like that, mom ... I'm gay," said Michael, then 22.

The words silenced Golojuch. She said it felt like a waterfall was opening up over her, and she was drowning in an onslaught of emotion.

"As parents, we're afraid. We're afraid of how the world will treat our children, and we're also afraid that we'll lose them. Then we begin asking where we went wrong," she said. "We went to church, said grace before meals, said our prayers ... Was I too soft on Michael? Did my husband not play enough ball with him? What did I do wrong?

"I looked to my Catholic church for support, which told me my son was something other than a precious gift from God."

Golojuch called the national PFLAG office for support and advice, and roughly four months later, she was organizing her own PFLAG chapter. The counseling skills she adopted as a Catholic youth minister and state social worker in child and family services kicked in.

"I realized that the fact my son could trust me and come out to me ... It just means that I must have done something terribly right," she said.

Golojuch spends hours on the phone, fax and computer trying to reach legislators, organizations, newspapers, schools and the public with her message, which is primarily a demand for equal rights and protection. She presents diversity training at schools and has testified for hate crime bills before the Legislature.

The state's major figures know who she is, as do political players who oppose same-sex marriage and other public policies designed to bring homosexuality into the mainstream.

State Rep. Bob McDermott, R-32nd ('Aiea, Salt Lake, Aliamanu), a staunch opponent of same-sex marriage, calls Golojuch "single-issue driven," and says her work will not drum up mass support among people apathetic to gay and lesbian rights or who "have a moral compass."

"She wants to get society to accept homosexuality as a normal way of life — to destigmatize it and have it considered normal," McDermott said. "But I think most folks' moral compasses are already set. Lobbying on an issue like this, I'm not sure how you can really be effective."

However, Rep. Dennis Arakaki, D-28th (Kalihi Valley, Kamehameha Heights), who supported Golojuch's effort to get Hawai'i's schools to protect gay and lesbian students from harassment, said Golojuch has been a great advocate — though he acknowledged that she can be perceived as strident.

"I have to admit, when she first started, she came off very strong. I think a lot of people really got turned off," he said. "But over the past two years, she's really toned down the rhetoric and tried to educate people about issues."

Department of Education spokesman Greg Knudsen said Golojuch's work with schools, in particular, have had great impact.

"She's not a single-issue person, and it's unfair to frame her in that manner. She has a sincere interest in making schools a better place for all students," he said. "The forces that oppose her are well-funded."

Schools superintendent Paul LeMahieu said he is impressed with Golojuch, though he's more hesitant in praising her tactics. "There are legitimate questions and different views about whether she helps or not," he said. "I think she's been very effective in calling our attention to issues, and making certain that we do not dodge or ignore issues that should not be set aside. For that, I give her high marks.

"But whether or not she has been successful in forging agreements and consensus, that's where I don't see it ... In dealing with what are highly emotional and contentious issues, people will be most successful in trying to walk a path that is not confrontational."

Golojuch does not pretend to be meek. She's been known to yell at legislators in the halls of the state Capitol. She burned her marriage license in public and once confronted the Catholic bishop with a gay-rights sign.

"She's a passionate woman," said Kenneth Miller, co-chair of Hawai'i's Gay and Lesbian Community Center. "As a parent, she is fighting for her child's happiness, and she will not stop until she gets equality for her son."

Golojuch now looks forward to more activism for same-sex marriage, saying she has hopes of dancing at her son's wedding someday. "I'm afraid everyone thinks it's over, and it's not. We have to take a deep breath and get back in there, because equal rights have not arrived," she said.