Family Matters
Help your child implement a solution to bullying

By Lynn Wikoff

When a young child "pushes around," or bullies another, it's easy to fault the pusher and sympathize with the pushee — especially when the bullied child is yours. Oh, if life were only that simple!

Bullying may take the form of simple wheedling or threats to withhold friendship, or the bully may try to gain his or her ends with physical threats or assaults. Either way, though, bullying behavior doesn't occur in a vacuum — bullies require victims.

"Bullies have always been with us and probably always will, so the best approach is to 'bully proof' our children," says Kailua clinical psychologist David Roscoe, who has two grown sons. "Then they will be able to handle not just domineering children, but also the bullies they are sure to encounter in adulthood, either in personal relationships or in the workplace."

To teach their children to be assertive and to resolve conflicts peacefully, parents need to avoid extremes. If parents assume total responsibility for resolving the problem, the children's "victimhood" will be reinforced — they won't learn anything from the experience, and they'll get the message that they are unable to manage without their parents' intervention. Conversely, if parents ignore the problem and insist the child handle it himself, the child will feel unaccepted, helpless and vulnerable.

Instead, aim for a middle ground, where you are the "coach," assisting your child in planning and implementing a solution. Your support and his involvement will enable him to carry out the solution, and doing so will give him more self-confidence.

"Begin by discussing why some children are bullies," suggests Roscoe, who says that even preschoolers can understand the concepts. "For example, maybe they never learned to share, or they feel inferior, or they are bullied at home. This helps counteract a child's view of the bully as truly powerful. Then they can see that outward strength isn't necessarily inner strength."

Ask your child to imagine what he could do instead of giving in to another child's unwelcome demands. If you don't like his idea, say something like, "That's one way. What other ideas do you have?" If necessary, prompt with a question, such as, "What about just walking away and ignoring him?" Or you may suggest that he say no firmly and with assertive body language — standing up straight and looking the bully in the eye.

In any case, help your child learn to stay calm to deprive the bully of his main aim — to make someone upset. You can even make a game of it at home, role playing so your child can practice his new responses.

If your child is faced with a situation he can't handle, stress the importance of seeking the help of an adult — a teacher, playground supervisor, or you. "It's worthwhile for children to learn to use adult resources," says Roscoe.

Also, try to see your child objectively to understand why he may have been the bully's target. You may gain helpful information from his teacher, daycare provider or other objective adult. Often, bullies focus on shy, socially awkward children or loners, so you can help by fostering your child's friendships. Be sure he has ample opportunities to play with other children who have similar temperaments, and compliment him when you notice he has stood up for himself appropriately. In some instances, you might consider inviting the bully to play in your home, where you can orchestrate the situation.

Bullying in older children requires both these tools and some additional ones, which will be covered in a future column. We invite you to share your questions or experiences on this important topic.

Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.

Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. Write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.