Family Matters
Parents try to close communication gap with teens

By Lynne Wikoff

The communication gap between parents and teenagers sometimes feels as wide as the Grand Canyon. Parents often aren't sure what's getting across, or even that they're speaking the same language, causing conversations to be frustrating, and leaving both parents and teens feeling misunderstood.

The teen years are a time for establishing individuality and separation from parents, so some of this communication gap is natural. However, parents should know their children still need guidance, so they should keep trying.

Lynne Johnson, of Makiki, mother of two college-age daughters, says the best advice she got about talking to teens was to adopt a "sense of altitude." She says that by "floating above" her daughters' ups and downs, she was able to react more objectively to what they said.

"Parent support is important to kids as they go through the various stages of growing up," Johnson says. "Parents need to acknowledge what their teens are doing right, and also see the immature things kids say and do in a broader context so they can provide that support instead of reacting emotionally."

Susan Mitchell, of Kane'ohe, agrees: "If you find yourself getting too emotional when talking to your teen, remove yourself until you're calm."

In addition to being mom to two post-teens, Mitchell is also an educator at Kapi'olani Medical Center for Women and Children, where she teaches a course called "Active Parenting of Teens."

She recommends saying something like, "I want to talk about this, but I need to calm down first." This way, parents not only gain time to collect their thoughts, they also demonstrate a positive way to handle anger.

"Good relationships are built on respect," Mitchell says. "If parents respond to their teens the way they would if their best friend did or said the same thing — that is, without yelling or being overly critical — that sense of respect is maintained." And maintaining a good relationship will help teens heed what their parents say.

Timing is another consideration. Save your serious conversations for times when your teen is most receptive. For example, when my daughter was a teenager, I'd often talk quietly with her just before she went to sleep. In that relaxed state, she was much more likely to share her concerns or listen to mine.

Parents of boys say they are often most receptive when they're doing something physical together, such as washing the car or working on some other project.

Mitchell encourages parents to listen more and talk less. That's because what teens really want when they have a problem is just what adults want in similar situations — emotional support, to be listened to and taken seriously. "Parents sometimes jump right into solving their children's problems, or try to minimize, or offer interpretations of them. But these reactions block real communication," Mitchell says.

Instead, it's more effective to be a sounding board and resource. "You can ask your teen some thoughtful questions to help him or her think through a problem," Mitchell suggests. For example, if teens don't see the long-term effects of their actions, you can ask them to think about what would happen later if they pursued one course instead of another. Pose open-ended questions, such as, "How would you feel if (something) happened?" or "How do you think (someone) would feel if you did that?"

If you feel your teen still isn't being realistic, you can follow up with comments such as, "That's not what I would expect. Tell me more about how you came to that conclusion," to help challenge their assumptions.

All this may seem like a lot of work, but it can help both parents and their offspring navigate the often choppy waters of the teen years a little more smoothly.

Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.

Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.