In grandparents' care
By Zenaida Serrano Espanol
Advertiser Staff Writer
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| Renji Goto and his grandsons, Naki (center), 5, and Ioane (right), 7, play a game of hockey in the front yard.
Eugene Tanner • The Honolulu Advertiser Na Tutu 247-0421 |
The Gotos, both in their 70s, can thank their three active grandchildren — Ioane, 7; Naki, 5; and Kauanui, 18 months — for always keeping them on their toes.
Whether it's taking Kauanui out for a morning stroll around the neighborhood, picking up Naki from preschool in the afternoon or driving Ioane to karate class in the evening, the Gotos cannot imagine life without looking after the boys.
"We're so close to them," Renji Goto said with a big smile. "We love our grandkids."
While the Gotos' peers may spend their retirement days shopping, golfing or gardening as they please, the Gotos can be found doing a task they describe as a "privilege." They are daycare providers, caring for the boys from about 7 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Mondays through Fridays for their daughter and son-in-law, both of whom work full time.
For many Island families in which both parents are employed full time, or in traumatic cases in which parents are absent because of death, divorce, addiction or other problems, it is quite common for grandparents to step into the roles of daycare providers, or even to become primary caregivers for their grandchildren.
"More often then not, grandparents are really willing and glad to be connected to their grandchildren and to help the family out," said Sylvia Yuen, director of Center on the Family at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa.
But Yuen said that in these situations, grandparents may have to deal with a number of different issues, among them differences with parents on how to discipline a grandchild, loss of free time and the cost of providing care.
Approaches may vary
Yuen said one concern that may come up between grandparents who act as daycare providers and the parents of their grandchildren is differences in child-rearing practices.
"Whenever you have two different people, you're going to have different ways of interacting with the child," Yuen said. "Discipline is one of them."
Yuen suggested grandparents shouldn't be too intrusive.
"They have to know their place, and they always have to remember that it is the parents' role to parent," she said.
Beverly Yeung, 53, looks after her granddaughters, Maya, 3, and Tai, 14 months. The Hawai'i Kai resident watches her granddaughters, the children of her only daughter, four days a week.
When it comes to disciplining the girls, Yeung said, she and her daughter support each other's decisions and added that she doesn't interfere when her daughter and son-in-law are disciplining the girls.
"If both mother and father are disciplining the children," she said, "I just try to leave them alone so they can solve it themselves."
Another issue common among grandparents who look after their grandchildren is not having as much free time for themselves. As much as Yeung loves to spend time with the girls, she said that she does value her time alone.
"I do need space ... I do need time for myself," she said.
Yeung said the girls' parents are off from work on Sundays, so that's the day she gets to relax and do as she pleases, whether it's reading a mystery novel, watching a classic movie on video or working at a computer.
Like Yeung, the Gotos also appreciate their free time. Their schedule with the children gets quite hectic in the afternoon, so Renji Goto said he tapes his and Ellen's favorite afternoon television programs, which they watch after the children go home.
"She likes to watch 'Jeopardy' at 5. She rarely gets to watch it live," Renji Goto said, laughing. "So I tape 'Jeopardy' and then the 5:30 news."
Despite these issues, big or small, many grandparents say they wouldn't have it any other way.
"It would be hard for us to give up watching the kids, you know, we're so into it," Renji Goto said with a big smile.
Yeung feels the same way.
"I know that not all grandparents feel the same, but I couldn't see anyone else doing it," she said. "If I can do it, if I'm physically well enough to do it, I would prefer to do it myself than to have them go to another sitter, or to start preschool too early."
Mom-Dad substitutes
The issues that affect grandparents who must act as primary caregivers — substitutes for Mom and Dad — are different, and deeper.
Julia Duarte of Kahalu'u, 74, knows all too well about the hardships involved with raising grandchildren. Duarte's three grandchildren were left to her care by her daughter.
Duarte recalls the many sacrifices she and her husband made to raise their grandchildren, now 25, 21 and 19.
For example, money that could have been spent on things for themselves went, instead, to buying clothes and food for the children, as well as to pay for her granddaughter's private-school tuition.
Although Duarte never experienced any difficulty in enrolling her grandchildren in school, she is familiar with many other grandparents who have had that problem. Duarte said there are some schools that will not allow grandparents to enroll their grandchildren in school unless the parents give legal consent — and sometimes the parents are unwilling to do so or cannot be found.
Duarte is involved with Na Tutu (See box ), a group of individuals dedicated to supporting legislation that will allow minor children under the care of grandparents — or any adult with a kinship bond — to arrange for necessary medical and educational services for the children without having to incriminate or alienate the parents.
Though life may have been hard at times for Duarte and her family, she said she loved being able to take care of her grandchildren.
"Of course," she added, "because they're blood."
Yuen emphasized, however, that grandparents themselves must decide if raising their grandchildren is a task they wish to take on.
"There is a choice, because even under the most horrible circumstances — like death or if the parents are very drug-addicted — there is no law that says you as a grandparent have a legal responsibility to step in," Yuen said.
Fortunately, she said, a lot of grandparents do choose to take that responsibility. Duarte said she never considered another alternative.
"There (was) no choice," she said. "These are (my) grandkids."
She and other grandparents in the Na Tutu support group share the same concerns: "Where are these children going if grandparents or some (other family members) don't take care of them?"
Duarte said they may end up with Child Protective Services or in foster homes, and siblings may end up being separated, which Duarte said "is really heartbreaking." Their goal is to smooth the way for grandparents who take on this responsibility.
Zenaida Serrano Espanol can be reached at zespanol@honoluluadvertiser.com
