Family Matters
Handling child bullies seems easier said than done

By Lynne Wikoff

It's no wonder people are concerned with childhood bullying: One child in 10 is reportedly bullied regularly, according to psychologist Dan Olweus, an international authority on the subject. So when John Rosemond included unfounded assertions in a recent column about handling bullies, reaction was inevitable. For example:

• Rosemond claims "[t]he bully is a narcissist." While some bullies may be overly self-centered, among the traits also cited as common to them are "they feel hurt inside" and "they find it difficult to see things from someone else's perspective," according to "Helping Kids Handle Conflict," a brochure of the National Crime Prevention Council and National Association of Elementary School Principals.

In fact, bullying results from a complex mix of family, personal and environmental factors, such as lack of parental attention or supervision, being mistreated (or witnessing mistreatment of others) at home, poor social skills, impulsivity and lack of adequate supervision or appropriate intervention strategies at school.

So what difference do the "whys" make?

• We'd all agree with Rosemond's contention that a bully needs to be stopped. But he also says, "No attempt to explain the 'why' of his behavior will accomplish that."

Of course, understanding by itself doesn't solve the problem. But it is a necessary first step.

"We need to understand what triggers children's behavior before we can determine how to help them change," says clinical psychologist Barbara Sloggett. So, for example, intervention for bullying that results from being mistreated at home might be different from bullying related solely to lack of social skills.

• Rosemond states that if parents deny their child's problem (which he correctly identifies as common), it "can only be dealt with through legal mechanisms." Only? Much bullying occurs at school, so parents would be wise to work with their child's teacher and/or principal when help is needed. There's support for such intervention in Board of Education policy, which now includes this definition: "'Harassment' means a person acts with intent to harass, bully, annoy or alarm ... "

The definition is followed by nine descriptions of behavior that constitutes harassment. For example, definition No. 4 describes harassment as occurring when a person "[n]ame calls, makes rude gestures, insults or constantly teases another person who feels humiliated, intimidated, threatened and/or embarrassed." The full text is available on the DOE Web site at doe.k12.hi.us, then click on (in order) BOE Home Page, Document Library, Administrative Rules, Chapter 19 and Definitions.

There's also a need to help the child who is bullied — these children are often shy and unassertive, making them are easy targets.

• Rosemond concludes "[o]nly punishment" will stop a bully. Not so. "Punishment doesn't produce learning, it just temporarily suppresses the unwanted behavior," Sloggett said. "But often the behavior comes out again later, and more strongly, as revenge." Unfortunately, because there is a temporary stop, people often believe that punishment is effective.

Intervention for bullying includes setting limits and stopping aggressive behavior immediately while helping the child find better ways to get what he wants or to handle difficult or unpleasant situations. To do this, the child must have adequate supervision so he doesn't get away with bullying simply because no one is watching.

In addition, the child's attempts at positive behavior also need to be acknowledged. And if violence in the home is a factor, of course that also must be addressed. Change takes time, and in some instances, working with a counselor is necessary.

On the other side of the equation, "bully-proofing" kids by helping them be assertive is the best way to prevent them from being targeted by bullies. This will be the subject of a future column.

Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer with a master's degree in social work, with emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.

Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or suggestions for future topics, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.