Without Xena, why watch TV?

By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer

You can keep your reality TV. I'll take fantasy anytime. I'll take Xena.

So what am I going to do on Saturday afternoons after today when "Xena, Warrior Princess" finally pulls off her breast plate for the last time?

I'm going to take my wife out for brunch. I'm going to paint the house. I'm going to start pulling weeds again. I might even take a nap.

When Xena dies this afternoon, TV producers are going to break her mold, which is really sad. We need more women like Xena, not less.

For those of you who never discovered the pleasure of "Xena, Warrior Princess," what can I say? There's no easy way to explain Xena's fractured mix of mythology, camp and in-your-face action.

There's no adequate way to describe the Xenaverse where she outwitted or outfought an assortment of gods, warlords, emperors and ordinary men borrowed from Norse, Greek, Roman, Japanese, Egyptian or Los Angeles culture.

Lucy Lawless, who plays Xena, describes it best: "It's a goofy show for smart people."

I discovered Xena back in the early years, when the show was on Sunday mornings at 6. I'd get up early, make a big pot of coffee, grab the sports section and turn on the TV in anticipation of National Football League head-busting entertainment. Instead, there was this breast-plated, man-tossing, superwoman who could really kick butt. The Chicago Bears had nothing on Xena.

Xena was everything a red-blooded football nut would want in a woman: Tall, statuesque, sexy and able to break you in two. She was sensitive and loving, too, with a war whoop to die for. She could thrill you or kill you.

Once Xena almost ruined my marriage. That was when I became infatuated with Gabriel, Xena's annoying but perky blonde sidekick and ever-so-close companion with the bare midriff.

"Gabriel?" my wife said, appalled. "You like that little wimp?"

By that time, my wife was watching Xena with me and fancied herself the Woman Warrior of Coconut Grove.

Gabriel, though, represented the weak woman, the one we see too much on TV. Soft, troublesome and helpless, she was just another in a long line of helpless TV bimbos stretching from Lucille Ball to Ally McBeal. My wife loved the way Xena took charge, swatted dim-witted men aside and always restored order to whatever world she was in.

If you're looking for a role model for your daughter, or yourself, you could do a lot worse than Xena. She's strong, sensitive, smart. Isn't that how we want our kids to grow up? Can you find those qualities on "Survivor," "Weakest Link" or "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"?

So you can keep your reality TV. In fact, you can keep reality, too. I'll take fantasy anytime. I'll take Xena. If only she'd have me.

Mike Leidemann's columns appear Thursdays and Saturdays in the Advertiser. He can be reached at 525-5460 or e-mail mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com.