Ways to boost your child's self-esteem
By Lynne Wikoff
Most parents recognize that children's self-esteem Ü how they view themselves Ü influences them throughout their lives. To boost their children's self-esteem, some parents give constant praise and approval, and try to ensure that their children never feel unhappy or thwarted. Then they are puzzled to find their children becoming ever more self-centered, demanding and disagreeable. What went wrong?
The truth is that failing to deal with children's negative behavior or misdeeds so they won't be unhappy is counterproductive.
"Good self-esteem takes more than being loved. It also requires feeling worthwhile, having a sense of accomplishment and learning to successfully handle limits and different situations Ü and the road to these goals is sometimes bumpy," says social worker Joan Kreeger of the state Department of Health's Maternal and Child Health Branch.
The ideas below can help smooth out your "ride."
• Play with your children, hug them and kiss them every day. Don't get so caught up in life's demands that you crowd out plain old fun. A few minutes of your undivided attention means more to children than things you can buy.
Demonstrating your love and affection reassures children they are cared about Ü that they are indeed lovable. At the same, the "love equity" you build helps children accept discipline when it's needed Ü and it reminds you that the child whose behavior is momentarily driving you crazy is someone you care about.
• Set reasonable limits and enforce them consistently and calmly Ü old but still good advice. Children feel safe when their parents protect them from their natural immaturity and help them learn acceptable behavior (although it's unlikely they'll thank you for disciplining them). As they learn how to behave, their growing skills give them confidence in their own abilities and create positive reactions from other people they encounter, which further encourages them.
When you discipline, treat your children with the same understanding you would offer a friend. Remember they are "beginners," and avoid giving harsh criticism and demeaning punishment and embarrassing them in front of others.
• Give your children something meaningful to do, structured in a way that is challenging but achievable. Making a contribution gives everyone a lift, and children are no exception. Young children can help at home. As they get older, they can help parents with their work (conditions permitting) or volunteer in a community effort.
• Use specific encouragement or praise, such as "Thank you for setting the table Ü that was a big help," or "That was hard, but you stuck with it and did it," rather than general comments such as "You're such a good boy."
"Specific comments tell children immediately what behavior you value and expect, and your positive attention makes repeating the behavior more likely," Kreeger said. These comments also help children recognize their abilities and progress.
Kids sniff out false praise like overcooked broccoli, so make sure your positive comments are deserved. Saying "good job" when you do all the work or when their efforts are clearly inadequate tells kids they are so inept you have to make up reasons to praise them.
• Help children deal with failure. The first step is to accept that since mistakes are inevitable (hence the phrase "trial and error"), it's how we deal with failure that counts. Acknowledge their efforts with observations such as "You're getting better, and you'll get it if you keep working" or "It's hard and you're really trying." You can also use failures as opportunities to discuss what went wrong and what can be done differently next time.
Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based freelance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and she hangs out regularly with her twin 10-year-old stepgrandchildren.
Wikoff and fellow Hawa'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. Do you have questions, comments or suggestions for future topics? Write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
