Island Voices
State divorce process focuses on child

This is the third in a series of articles from Hawai'i's Judiciary marking Law Week in Hawai'i.

By Diana L. Warrington
Family Court judge

"Dear Mom & Dad,

"I love you so so much and you are separated but it is OK for me.

"It's not that bad but it's not that good. Sometimes I miss you ... especially at night."

These are all-too-familiar words written by children going through separation and divorce.

•	Family court will help

This question continues to be revisited on a local as well as national level. Judges and attorneys are made increasingly aware of the long-term detrimental effect and potential harm continued parental conflict has on children of separation and divorce.

What do we know nationally and locally? Each year, more than one million children are involved in parental divorce, with a growing number of younger children being affected. In Hawai'i, there are over 5,000 divorces filed each year, with 50 to 60 percent involving families with children. At least 50 uncontested divorces are granted every week.

Nationally as well as locally, we are made acutely aware every day of the detrimental effects of family violence on a child's mental, emotional, spiritual and physical well-being and its adverse influence on a child's future ability to become a productive member of the community.

What do we know about children and parents? We know that divorce is a challenging and often painful time for adults and especially for children. It can involve change of schools and neighborhoods, loss of friends, identity and hopes, and a redefining of relationships.

We know that children respond to divorce and loss differently depending on their age, development and the circumstances surrounding their parents' divorce. Studies continue to confirm that children experiencing bitterly contested custody disputes ("high conflict") are at greater risk for psychological harm.

We believe that most parents are genuinely concerned about their kids and truly want to make decisions that are in their children's best interest, yet we also know that divorce can be a difficult and emotional process. Because of these difficulties, it isn't always easy for parents to separate their decision-making for their children from their own hurt and pain.

We have found that when parents focus on their individual and collective strengths and put their children first, they are capable and have the energy to find solutions. We believe that parents working together, equipped with the necessary tools and education, are the best persons to make decisions that affect their children.

In cases of family violence, however, safety for children and parents must be paramount .

It is within this backdrop and context that Family Court continues to partner with the community to address how the legal system can be changed to promote healthy solutions for children and their families, to explore alternatives to litigation and to develop parent education programs aimed at opening the doors to communication and equipping parents with needed skills and tools to resolve their disputes without putting their children in the middle.

As parents navigate through the unfamiliar territory of Family Court, they will encounter a variety of child-focused educational and counseling programs listed below. Judges at every opportunity encourage and expect divorcing parents to explore and take advantage of these educational and counseling opportunities, in addition to mediation to resolve their custody disputes.

Courts alone are a poor choice to resolve so fundamental a decision as child custody. It takes a community committed and child-focused in their search for solutions that protect children from the potential long-term consequences of divorce and separation. When this occurs, the children are the winners.

Family court will help

Kids First program

Kids First is a mandatory parent education program for all parents who have filed for divorce in Hawai'i with children under the age of 18. Parents and children attend Wednesday from 5 to 8 p.m. at the Family Court.

After being welcomed by a Family Court judge, the parents and children participate in separate sessions and activities. Parents view a video and hear from two experienced mental health professionals on the effects of divorce or separation on children, domestic violence, custody and visitation, and how to help children through the process. Children view a video, play games that acknowledge their feelings and learn about the courts. On average, there are 75 parents and 40 children attending every Wednesday evening.

Parents meet with a parenting counselor selected from a court-approved list of licensed professionals with academic and specialized training. The parenting counselor assists the parents with reaching agreements regarding child custody, defining a parenting plan and decision-making.

Participation is voluntary and the cost may be covered by insurance.

Parenting counseling is confidential and the parenting counselor does not write a report nor testify in court.

Custody

CARE (Custody: alternatives resolution and education) is a one-year pilot project designed to work with indigent parents representing themselves in custody disputes, and to assist them with finding resources and alternatives in the community to resolve their dispute. CARE's broader goal is to create a systemic change in the way custody cases are resolved in the legal system.

Divorce law in Hawai'i

This free one-hour program is designed to give divorcing parents a practical understanding of divorce law in Hawai'i. Participants will learn where to go to read more about the law, how the Hawai'i divorce legal process works, where to get Family Court's divorce forms and how to use them, when to consider divorce mediation, and where to get help with divorce problems. The program is open to anyone who has completed the Family Court's Kids First program and is going through a divorce.