Family Matters
Some suggestions on keeping indulgence in line

By Lynne Wikoff
Special to The Advertiser

When comedian Lily Tomlin said "Enough is never enough," she was not joking. Just turn a child loose in a toy store, and you'll have ample proof of her observation.

And, as if children's own naturally acquisitive nature weren't enough, they are surrounded with commercialism especially calculated to get them to raid the family wallet. According to a 1999 Parents magazine article, "School-age children spend nearly $25 billion of their own money on themselves every year and influence their parents to spend well over $400 billion annually."

Parents fall for their children's "gimme" gambit for a variety of reasons, according to Straub psychologist Dr. William Tsushima. "Some parents felt deprived as children and don't want to say no to their own children. Others so want their children to be happy that they instantly agree to every request. Some, knowingly or not, try to compensate for lack of 'quality time' together with material things."

What they find, however, is that overindulgence not only doesn't make their children happier, it also creates a sense of entitlement. "Giving children a lot of expensive things sets up the expectation that you will continue giving them a lot of expensive things," says Tsushima. In addition, being a perpetual Santa Claus conflicts with the important task of preparing children for independence, which includes living within their means.

Striking a balance between giving too much and depriving children of things that may be good for them is an issue that requires careful thought. Here are some guidelines to consider.

• Teach your children the difference between wants and needs, making the point that needs come before wants. Understand that among a child's most pressing needs is loving attention, and that your kids' happiest memories will come from good times together, not from the goodies they had.
• Be honest about what you can afford. Some struggling parents sacrifice their own legitimate needs to provide their children with things they want. Although no parents want their children to feel deprived, buying things you can't afford, or will go into debt for, makes undisciplined materialism seem like a value to strive for.
• In addition to affordability, consider whether an item is also reasonable. For example, sneakers with a price tag that equals the average family's weekly food budget and that will be outgrown or out of style in mere months, may not be reasonable even if you can afford them.
• Explain buying decisions without going overboard. Young kids, and many older ones, don't take readily to rational money management — they need time to learn this sophisticated habit.
• Be definite in what you decide. Children will likely interpret hesitation as an invitation to nag you to change your mind. Some kids won't easily accept even a firm no, so be prepared for a tantrum and don't let yourself give in.
• Recognize children's need to have the "right" things — those items that help them feel accepted by their peers. Seek an acceptable balance of desire and reason.
• Check your own behavior. If you covet the newest, biggest and fastest; see shopping as recreation; or whine about what you don't have, that's what your children will emulate.

Tsushima concludes, "It is possible for overindulged children to develop into fine young people, but I believe it is probably the exception. More often, they become accustomed to certain goodies, and feel frustrated and sad when they can't get what they've gotten so readily in the past."

Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40.

Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. Send your comments, questions or suggestions to: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.