Pet's death leads owner on emotional journey

By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer

Catherine Richards made a memorial display for her cat Gussick, who died about two years ago. Memorializing your pet helps ease pain. Jeff Widener • The Honolulu Advertiser

It was the day Gussick died.

Two months shy of his 11th birthday. End-stage kidney disease. Feline lower urinary tract disease. Five and a half pounds.

She held her cat close to her body as the veterinarian euthanized the suffering animal. Wrapped in his favorite blanket, Gussick quietly closed his eyes and left. Richards felt so alone.

"When Gussick died, my first thought, literally, was, 'I have lost my child,' " she said, her voice still emotional. "But my second thought was, 'I'm so glad he's at peace.' "

Many people who have lost their pets have a difficult time accepting that second thought. Many go through long periods of bereavement, a feeling often hard to rationalize in a world that doesn't always acknowledge animals as active and emotional members of families.

"Society as a whole doesn't really sanction the idea that you would be broken up over the loss of a pet," said Rosemarie Grigg, a facilitator for the Hawaiian Humane Society's Pet Loss Support Group and a graduate student in psychology at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa.

Because of that, many people who lose their beloved pets don't know where to turn for support. They often feel others don't understand what they're going through. And sometimes they even deny those feelings, shrugging it off or deciding that it's crazy to be torn up over an animal.

But it's perfectly normal to grieve.

"People should allow themselves time to grieve," said Kathrine Last, another support group facilitator and graduate student in psychology at UH. "They should be gentle on themselves, talking about it with understanding people."

The normal response after the death of a pet is the same as losing any loved one. The stages for mourning are universal and can be experienced in any order, at any time. (See below)

Feeling depressed or angry is common, experts say, and people who are experiencing these emotions shouldn't condemn themselves.

"Some people don't expect to have so much grief over the loss of a pet," said Last, who specializes in trauma recovery. "They come to think something must be wrong."

Richards fell into despair after Gussick died. She doesn't think it was depression, but she remembers the feeling vividly.

"The only thing I really noticed was just feeling, literally, like I was hit by a Mack truck," said the chief executive officer of Information Management Systems Inc. "I felt extraordinary fatigue for the next couple of days, like the light had gone out of me. And in some ways, it did. ...

"I was grieving horrifically," she said. "There was no denial. The grief was very present, no denying it, no escaping it."

Then she did the unthinkable to anyone who has lost a pet: She got a new one.

"I thought it was really soon, too," Richards said when her boyfriend suggested they head to the Hawaiian Humane Society. "He said, 'The house is so empty. You're so depressed.'"

But to her surprise, the trip helped. In a matter of minutes, she picked out two kittens suspected of having ringworm and took them home.

"They were so unbelievably adorable," she raved. "They both sprang out of the cage and leapt onto my boyfriend's head. My sister convulsed in laughter. It was great, it was marvelous."

Just what she needed, something to smile about again. Though she hadn't come to terms with Gussick's death, she could now re-focus her energies on these new pets, which isn't easy for everyone.

"A person isn't ready for another pet unless (he or she) accepts the pet as a new individual," Last said. "It's not a replacement, it's a different pet."

Though it turned out the two cats didn't have ringworm, one of the pair, Huntley, developed a "bizarre colon problem" and died four months to the day after Gussick died.

"It was a very grim time," she said. "It was terribly tragic. When Huntley died, there was lots of crying, lots of numbness. Losing Gussick was traumatic. But losing Huntley was incredibly sad."

It took nearly a year before she could be fully at peace about Gussick's death.

Each time a pet dies, it hurts. And each time she mourns.

Growing up in Tantalus and Portlock, Richards has had cats, birds, mice, rabbits, guinea pigs, a dog and a Jackson chameleon.

And having so many pets has taught her a lot about life.

"Keeping mice has taught me to appreciate the fragility of life," said Richards, who lives with her 17-pound short-haired cat, Brinkley, and five mice (and is considering getting a rat).

Even when she loses a mouse, an animal most people would call a pest before pet, Richards feels a pang in her chest.

"It's not the size of the pet," she said. "It's the amount of love you have in your heart."

Closure essential

Losing a pet can be traumatic because many serve as emotional companions for their owners.

"Pets give their owners unconditional love," Last said. "And that's hard to get over."

One of the ways to ease the pain is to memorialize your pet, a way to say goodbye and come to terms with the death.

"Having some sort of formal ceremony or marking of the passing helps a lot," Richards said.

With Gussick, she spent the entire day with the cat, said her goodbyes quietly. There are photos of Gussick and Huntley all over her condo in Kapahulu. A white cat sculpture, a cat angel with wings, a baby album full of pictures — these are reminders of her beloved pets.

"I think if you have a pet die and you don't do something to address that grief ... it could linger for some people," Richards said, "especially if you transferred to the pet your own emotions about child-rearing or loneliness or depression."

While grieving is normal, if it profoundly impacts your life — you stop going to work or talking to concerned family and friends — you may need help.

And some experts say going to a pet loss support group may be a first step toward healing.

"The neat thing about the group is that it brings people together," Grigg said. "Hearing other people express their emotions, the same emotions, makes them feel less alone."

Help is here

• Hawaiian Humane Society Pet Loss Support Group: meets monthly. 946-2187, ext. 217.
• Iowa State University Pet Loss Support Hotline: (888) 478-7574.
• University of California at Davis School of Veterinary Medicine Pet Loss Support Hotline: (916) 752-4200.
• O'ahu Pet Cemetery, Kailua: 371-7531.
• Valley Pet Memorial Gardens, Kane'ohe: 239-8811.
• Hawaiian Humane Society (cremation only): 946-2187.

Tips for coping with the pain:

Grieving over the loss of a pet is normal, experts say. Here are some ways to soften the pain:

• Talk it out: Sharing your emotions with loved ones may help ease your pain. Find a good listening ear among family members, friends, co-workers, support groups and/or counselors.
• Keep a journal: Writing can be very therapeutic, and it may help you sift through and come to terms with your feelings.
• Create a memorial: Many people who lose pets hold memorial services and/or build a memorial in honor of their pets. It could be as elaborate as planning a funeral service at a local pet cemetery or as simple as keeping a framed photo of your pet next to your bed or at work. You can even make a donation in your pet's name. Remembering your pet can help with the healing process.
• Be kind to yourself: Sometimes a little pampering may make you feel a little better, even if it's just temporary. Take a scenic hike or get a massage. But don't beat yourself up over the loss or turn the pain inward.

Children must learn to deal with loss

The loss of a pet may be especially difficult for children. For many of them, this is their first experience with death, and they may not know how to deal with their emotions.

"Most (experts) recommend children be involved in the grieving process," said Kathrine Last, a facilitator with the Hawaiian Humane Society Pet Loss Support Group. "Keep them involved and be supportive. Talk about it. Let them ask questions."

The Hawaiian Humane Society offers these tips for parents who need to explain the situation to a child:

• Showing — and sharing — your emotions about the death will validate the child's own personal sorrow. Denying them may make them feel their emotions are unnatural.
• Have the cause of death explained to your child by a veterinarian. Sometimes the child's imagination of how the pet died is far worse than reality.
• Don't lie to them. Children tend to be naive and may take your statements at face value. For example, if you tell them that the family dog "went to sleep forever" (instead of saying he died), they might fear sleep themselves.
• Explain to the child that the pet's death was not their fault. Sometimes children feel guilty for things they did or didn't do.
• Encourage your child to share his or her feelings about the good memories with the pet. This may make it easier for the child to deal with the loss.
• Don't rush into getting a new pet to fill the void. When the child is ready, he or she will let you know.

Grief means going through stages

The stages of grief after losing a pet are the same after losing a beloved family member or close friend. "It just takes time and working through it all toward that acceptance," said Rosemarie Grigg, a facilitator with the Hawaiian Humane Society Pet Loss Support Group. Here are the different stages (their order can vary):

• Denial. Usually the first reaction to the death. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. Though this is usually temporary, if the feeling lingers, experts suggest talking with someone supportive and understanding.
• Anger. Some people begin to feel angry or resentful about the loss, often taking out their frustrations on family and friends who want to help. This may lead to guilt, which can anger a person more.
• Bargaining. This is a common reaction when people need to feel in control again. Many second-guess themselves and their decisions, spending time trying to figure out why the death occurred.
• Depression. The feeling of extreme sadness is a typical reaction to a pet's death. (But clinical depression, in which the emotion markedly impacts your life, may require treatment.) Many people feel a lack of motivation and an urge to withdraw from the world. Allow yourself a chance to put the death in perspective and move toward acceptance.
• Acceptance. This stage isn't reached by everyone. In time, though, the pain will lessen. You will come to terms with your pet's death and move forward with your life.