Dumping your lover
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Join our discussion and tell us how you would end a relationship |
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
Johnny Camillo feels guilty.
• Break up on a Saturday. "You're giving both of you the weekend to recover," said Greg Godek, author of "1,001 Ways to be Romantic." • "Find someone other than the person you're breaking up with to talk to and practice what you're going to say," said Tina Tessina, author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." • "Leave the other one feeling good. The right way is to point out all the wonderful things that person provided to you," said Brenda Shoshanna, author of "Why Men Leave." • "Soften the blow with a nice gesture like a card or flowers," said Michael Webb, author and Web master at theromantic.com. • "Face the person and tell it like it is as politely as possible," said Johnny Camillo, 54, a Makiki dating veteran.
He's sorry about the time he abruptly told his lover who took a trip to Europe that she shouldn't bother coming back.
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Dumping a lover in a classy way
It was a bad breakup.
Camillo, 54, of Makiki, is still learning from experience when it comes to his love life. He counts four recent breakups since his divorce.
"I'm going on my fifth," he said. "And I'm still in the water trying to find land."
He is among the masses who get tongue-tied when it comes to ending relationships. It doesn't get much easier with age and maturity, he said. But he is a bit wiser.
He has learned that living on an island means you can't just run away.
"If you break up with somebody, particularly in Hawai'i, you might as well face up," he said, "because if you run around, you're going to run into them. And if you lie, your lie is going to catch up with you."
There are no absolutes when it comes to rules of dumping or being dumped, said Greg Godek, author of "1,001 Ways to be Romantic" and founder of the Romance Research Institute in La Jolla, Calif.
Godek, a critic of the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" phenomenon, said nothing about love is that black and white.
"There is not a right way to break up," he said. But there are ways to make a clean break.
Say 'See ya' on a Saturday
The best time to end it with someone is on a Saturday afternoon, sitting, fully clothed and with the lights on, at the kitchen table, Godek said.
Weeknights, and especially Friday nights after a week of work, are bad, he said. In bed is bad. Over the phone is bad. And e-mail is horrible.
"On a Saturday afternoon, you're giving both of you the weekend to recover," he said. "Isn't it more humane? You can separate, cry, call your friends, go get drunk if you want to, and still have Sunday to recover."
But his biggest tips are to be honest and quick.
Lying to spare someone's feelings or dragging things out just compound the pain, he said.
"There's certainly many wrong ways to do it," said Michael Webb, author of "The RoMANtic Guide" and an Internet column, who swears he knows a girl who was dumped by her boyfriend at her grandmother's funeral because her man thought she'd be sad anyway.
Webb says flowers or a handwritten note are ways to split with class.
Mapu Barbieto and her friends aren't so sure. The O'ahu 20-somethings say flowers might send a mixed message. And they say timing is everything.
"The easiest way to break up with somebody is if you have a situation that forces you to break up," said Barbieto, 27, of Kailua, who remembers a tolerable split when she cut ties with her high school boyfriend just before starting college.
The only tough part is that living on an island makes it hard to keep a safe distance from the broken-hearted.
"People on the Mainland don't have to deal with it because they can just up and escape," she said. "Here, you're constantly running into them and their families and friends."
'Let's just be friends'
After coming to terms that saying nothing is not the best solution, it's best to practice breakup lines in front of a friend or at least in front of the mirror before the big talk, said Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist.
"Practice until you can say it in a way that's not overly hurtful," said Tessina, author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again."
"When you're breaking up with somebody, it's really not your job to tell them what's wrong with them. As much as we hate the 'Let's just be friends' thing, it probably works as well as anything."
Initially, though, it's best not to try to be friends, said Brenda Shoshanna, a New York psychologist and author of such books as "Why Men Leave."
Carol Cho's pet peeve is losing friendships when a relationship turns sour, especially when it expands beyond the romantic partner.
"Friends choosing sides — I hate that," said Cho, 27, of Mililani. "Why do they have to choose sides when we can all be friends?"
Severing ties completely is a healthy way to avoid giving a heartbroken partner false hope, Shoshanna said.
"For the sake of the one who didn't want it to end, it's better to just break it off," she said. "A friendship can evolve maybe later on."
That's why it's better to think things through before ending things in haste, Tessina said.
"Make sure you're sure you want to break up," she said. "Know what your reasons are so you don't go back and forth."
That kind of reasoning doesn't take an expert.
Johnny Camillo, the Makiki 54-year-old with a slew of breakup stories, uses common sense.
"One thing I learned," he said, "is don't try to do to the other what you don't want them to do."
Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.
