Gay and lesbian families

• Advice for gay and lesbian people who want families

By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer

From left, Bob Bidwell; son Thanh, 13; and Tyronne Dang, Bob Bidwell's former partner. Although the couple have separated, they jointly care for Thanh. Cory Lum • The Honolulu Advertiser Find out more Resources on gay and lesbian parenting, from the American Psychological Association: Colage: Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere: (415) 861-KIDS Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition International (GLPCI): (202) 583-8029 National Center for Lesbian Rights: (415) 392-NCLR

He goes bodyboarding at Sandy's and wants to be a pilot, maybe an astronaut, when he grows up. He's your average 13-year-old, who prefers PE to math and hopes to get on the high-school soccer and cross-country teams.

Average, except for one thing: He has two dads.

And he feels that, in many ways, he's lucky for it.

"It's hard to compare (my situation) to other people's, 'cause this is all I know," said the eighth-grader at Niu Valley Middle School. "I'm lucky because I see both dads a lot."

Though his dads have been separated for the past two years, Thanh, who's adopted, grew up in a two-father household from age 4.

Some of his friends have asked him about his family's configuration. He just shrugs it off.

"I tell them that my dads are gay, and they're OK with that," said Thanh, who paused, then added, "and I'm cool with that."

Over the past two decades, a growing number of gays and lesbians, alone or as couples, have become parents, in a movement some are calling the Gay Baby Boom.

According to estimates by the American Bar Association, as many as 10 million children are living with gay, lesbian or bisexual parents in the United States. According to the Census, the number of households in Hawai'i reporting that they are occupied by same-sex couples rose from 602 in 1990 to 2,389 in 2000, though it isn't known how many have children.

While many of these families have evolved from divorce, in which the biological parents were previously in heterosexual relationships, there have been more gays and lesbians who have made the decision to have children, whether through adoption, artificial insemination, foster care or surrogacy.

Having children is "a natural urge for a lot of people, but it's not for everyone," said Dr. Bob Bidwell, one of Thanh's fathers and director of adolescent medicine at the Kapi'olani Medical Center for Women and Children. "As you get older, there's that wanting to share your life with a child and provide that love and protection. It's meeting my child's needs and meeting my needs as someone who wants to be a parent ... and seeing that it's a real possibility."

For decades, many gays and lesbians assumed they could never be parents. But with new adoption policies and changing stereotypes, being a parent has become a more viable option for many who are in that lifestyle.

"The general thought is that you aren't going to have kids, but that's slowly changing," said Angeline Acain, a 42-year-old mother of 5-year-old Jiana with partner Susan Eisenberg. "When you're gay you never really think about it, at least I didn't."

Acain, born and raised in Kaimuki, publishes Gay Parent magazine out of her New York City apartment. The free, bimonthly publication, with about 10,000 circulation, helps other gay and lesbian parents connect, share their experiences and feel comforted that they're not alone.

She said she has seen more gays and lesbians are raising more than just one child. And parents are tending to be younger.

"The average age for parents used to be in the 30s and 40s," said Acain, who adopted Jiana when she was 38. "Now we see more younger couples wanting to adopt."

That trend is apparent at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Student Services office at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa, known as LGBT, where hundreds of students seek resources or a safe haven.

Beverly McCreary, gender equities counselor at UH and advisory board member there, said more gay and lesbian students see becoming a parent as a real possibility.

"The question used to be, 'Will I ever have a family?'" said McCreary, a 37-year-old mother of 6-year-old Julia with partner Nickie Golden. "Now it's, 'How will I have a family?' It's a choice I make rather than a choice that's being taken away."

Like many other families headed by a gay or lesbian parents, McCreary's family is a product of divorce; Julia is McCreary's biological daughter from a previous marriage that ended because both husband and wife realized they were gay. McCreary shares custody with her ex-husband and raises Julia with her partner of four years.

'Very rewarding'

Doug Althauser has always wanted to be a father. So when the 40-year-old from Kahala heard there was an infant boy in Southeast Asia who needed a home, he jumped at the chance to adopt.

He brought Michael home four years ago and has been raising him as a single father.

"I was not prepared, in terms of being a father, for the lack of sleep," he said, with a knowing laugh. "He was five months old when I got him, and I really haven't had a decent night's sleep since."

He juggles his job as the chemical dependency program coordinator at Kaiser Permanente with his new role as a single dad. They read books together, play in the park, stroll around their neighborhood, visit the library at least once a week, attend church every Sunday and swim whenever they can.

"Every day I get to look back on all the work I've done so far and I get to see how much Michael has grown and learned," Althauser said proudly, "and that's very rewarding."

Though the desire was always there, the opportunity for him to become a father wasn't. Or at least he thought.

That's why he gave his son the middle name "He Makana No Ka Lani E Keiki O Mahina," which means "This child of the moon is a gift from heaven."

"I thought I would never be a parent," Althauser said. "I thought I had the same chance as going to the moon as being a father."

In most states, including Hawai'i, gay and lesbian couples adopt as single parents, listing one legal guardian on paper.

Three states — Florida, Mississippi and Utah — have laws banning adoption by gay or cohabiting couples; Florida's ban on gay adoptions has been challenged, only to be upheld in a federal court ruling in August.

Views of society

A report issued in 1995 by the American Psychological Association contends there is no evidence suggesting gays and lesbians are unfit to be parents or that the children suffer any significant disadvantage.

What is different, however, is how society views these families. Some have strong objections on moral or religious grounds. Even people who consider themselves to be tolerant sometimes have trouble accepting gay and lesbian parents. Most often, they express concern about the children, that they will be nudged toward homosexuality, or be ridiculed by peers.

While there appears to be a trend toward tolerance, many people are still uncomfortable or outright hostile to gay and lesbian parents.

"I think they misunderstand something fundamental about homosexuality," contends Herbert Barringer, a professor of sociology at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa. "The thinking, more and more in social science, is that ... there may be some genes that favor homosexuality. And once people have been socialized in homosexuality, they seem to be permanently bound to it. It's not a lifestyle choice. Most seem to have no choice."

Those opposed to homosexuality "assume it's a choice, that people choose to do that and, therefore, it's immoral," he said.

According to research, many assumptions about the development of children of gay or lesbian parents have been unfounded.

For example, results of a study of children to lesbian mothers, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, revealed normal development of gender identity among these children. Another study published in the journal Developmental Psychology showed the great majority of offspring of both gay fathers and lesbian mothers described themselves as being heterosexual and that their parents' sexual orientation did not affect their own.

"There is another misunderstanding that somehow homosexuals go around trying to push people into homosexuality," Barringer said. "That's not the case."

Growing up in such a nontraditional family is challenging for the children, especially as they reach their teens, when teasing and harassment can be commonplace.

"It's something I'm concerned about," Althauser said. "I don't want to cause him (my son) any pain. But we've been so lucky. Our life is filled with such accepting people. His school has no problem with our family, where I work has completely welcomed us, and he's got hundreds of aunties and uncles. All of that provided him with a really safe space."

Bidwell, whose son is an adolescent, said being honest about his family has helped.

"When he was younger, his friends didn't even think about those things. 'You got two dads, cool, let's go play,'" he said. "But I became more concerned as he got older because ... I know how cruel middle school can be. But it hasn't been a problem. He has friends over all the time."

He said that part of the reason Thanh has been accepted has to do with his personality.

"He's self-confident, very mature and looked up to by other kids," he said. "He's a good student and an excellent athlete, and I think all of that counts. And hopefully I'm a cool dad."

So far Thanh hasn't been teased or harassed about his family. And he's not worried about it either. "I'm not really concerned," he said, matter-of-factly. "I don't care what other people think."

Advice for gay and lesbian people who want families

Here is some advice from experts and parents for gays and lesbians considering starting a family:

• Know what you're doing: "I think people are intrigued by the romance of becoming a mom or dad, but they're not ready for the responsibility of becoming a parent," said Doug Althauser, single father and facilitator of a parents group affiliated with O'ahu's Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays or PFLAG. "That's become apparent to me. The job's not done after you've given birth."
• Take parenthood very seriously: Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. "If you want to be a mother or father, then you're not ready to have children," Althauser said. "If you want to embrace all the responsibilities of parenthood, then you're ready to be a parent. There's a big difference between romance and reality. A child is not just a living doll."
• Do the research: Find out as much as you can about methods for becoming a parent, whether by adoption, foster care, surrogacy or artificial insemination. Talk to gay and lesbian parents, read books, attend seminars.
• Get support: Often gay and lesbian parents feel alone in a heterosexual world. Seek out support in forms of groups, organizations or online discussion groups.
• Be honest and communicate with your child: Parents should be honest about their family structure with their child from the start. "We can't protect (our son) from everything," said Dr. Bob Bidwell, a gay father and director of adolescent medicine at the Kapi'olani Medical Center for Women and Children. "But we can talk about it."