Who picks up the check? It's more complicated now

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Philippa Courtney is used to being asked frivolous questions in her job as an Internet advice columnist.

"Especially right now with people losing jobs and watching their budgets, it's important to communicate clearly," says Internet advice columnist Philippa Courtney. Illustration by Martha Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser

"Economically, people may be feeling a lot of struggle now," she said. "They're saying, 'How do I date when I can't even pay the bills?'"

Couples are not as free with their spending as they were before the economy took a dive. It's changing the way people plan nights out, even though they may be feeling more of a need to be closer in relationships, Courtney said.

It means that talking about money is crucial even for casual daters, she said.

"Especially right now with people losing jobs and watching their budgets, it's important to communicate clearly," said the Portland, Ore., relationship columnist and author of "Four Steps to Bring the Right Person into Your Life Right Now."

It takes courage to bring up the subject, but the conversation can save a relationship, said Fran Greene, a Commack, N.Y., social worker and director of flirting and dating at match.com

"Two of the most taboo things to talk about are money and sex," she said. "Money is equal to power and control. That's why it's a private area."

Courtney advises setting the ground rules from the start.

"If you suggest eating out, your date may assume it's your treat," Courtney said. "If you intend to pay or split the tab, discuss it before you arrive at the restaurant. Don't wait until the bill arrives."

No fast moves

Bessie Tran is convinced she killed a budding romance by grabbing the check too quickly.

Tran, 18, of Chinatown, was on a date at the Old Spaghetti Factory. When her date excused himself to go to the restroom, she took the opportunity to pay the bill. Her date never asked her out again.

"I knew he wouldn't let me pay, so I covered it," she said. "I think it kind of made him feel inferior and insulted."

Tran, who works as a school tutor, insists on paying her fair share when going out. She has tried not to let the economic impact of Sept. 11 touch her personally. She makes the same amount of money and is thankful to be spared from layoffs. If she does find herself in a financial bind, she plans to budget to maintain her social life.

"I would rather be stingy on myself," she said. "I would spend more on dates than I would by myself."

Melodee Giraldi-Akui also is being careful with her money.

The regulars still line the seats at the Cove Bar at Ala Moana Center, where she is a server, but the tips aren't flowing as freely as when tourism was better.

Giraldi-Akui, 19, of Makiki, has been known to slip money in her date's car so she won't be thought of as a freeloader.

"I prefer to pay, because you spoil them in the beginning," she joked, "and at the end, you get everything."

Seriously, though, she watches her splurging.

"When I'm out shopping, I can't just go get anything," she said. "I think about what if I'm going out tonight?"

Tradition persists

Even in a rough economy, some customs never fade.

With tattoos on his knuckles and on his neck, Vince Lindley doesn't look like the traditional type. When it comes to spending on dates, however, he is.

"I always thought the guys paid," said Lindley, 28, of 'Aiea. "If I like a girl, it doesn't matter."

Some men still feel it's their role to pick up the tab.

Courtney said she is careful to advise that money is not a currency for companionship.

"Spending big bucks doesn't entitle you to anything," she said, "nor does the pleasure of your company entitle you to a free meal."

Michael Hong, 22, of Makiki, said he was raised to believe that paying for dinner simply is the gentlemanly thing to do.

"It gives a good first impression," he said.

Now that he has been in a steady relationship for about two years, Hong and his girlfriend take turns paying. Hong said he still feels ultimately responsible.

Kay Kaawa, 22, of Tantalus, follows the same advice recommended in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating," which proclaims this rule: "Whoever invites the other person out will pay for the date. If he asks her to go out for dinner, he pays. If she invites him to go to a concert, she gets the tickets."

While the feminist movement has symbolized the progress of their independence, women still don't want to appear controlling on dates, and some men resent women who don't offer to share expenses, Courtney said.

She advises couples to be upfront about what they can afford.

"If the idea of telling someone you can't afford to eat somewhere seems unpleasant, then you can suggest another restaurant or a picnic or even a home-cooked meal," she said.

In war or in peace, Courtney doesn't expect the question about who pays for dinner to be resolved any time soon because it depends on how people work it out for themselves.

"Even with all the emphasis on gender equity," she said, "people still are unclear about who picks up the tab."

Some rules from an advice columnist

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating" says whoever invites the other person out should pay for the date, but sometimes it's more complicated than that. Internet advice columnist Philippa Courtney has her own rules, especially in budget-conscious times:

• Figure out your financial style and find someone with compatible spending habits.

• Start out with coffee dates and lunches, because the only thing worse than a bad date is an expensive bad date.

• If you do the inviting, pick a place you can afford. If your date suggests somewhere more expensive, let them know the limitations of your budget.

• Make it clear before arriving at a restaurant if you want to share expenses. If you communicate early, things will be easier when the bill arrives.

Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.