Mrs. Claus finds her local roots

By Wade Shirkey
Advertiser Staff Writer

Mrs. Claus — now called Mele — gets a cleaning during last year's Honolulu City Lights season. Mele, who sits outside Honolulu Hale with Santa, has evolved into a local-style lady. Advertiser library photo

"Let's get with the program, Mrs. Claus!" Costa, city spokeswoman, would mutter to herself as Santa's missus took her place beside her husband each year in front of Honolulu Hale as part of the Honolulu City Lights extravaganza.

Everyone, she said, came to the same conclusion: "She looks so ... Mainland!" visitors would say.

Already she and the mister were drifting apart as they sat outside City Hall: he, open-shirted, flashing a wide grin and his famous shaka, dangling a carefree foot in the water. She, meanwhile, was becoming a dowdy dowager in that tacky red rag she'd been schlepping around in.

Secretly, even Mrs. Claus knew it was time for one of those beauty makeovers. Already Tutu had tried to fit in by dropping her married name in favor of Ms. Mele Claus.

Still, the poor dear had gotten up to 2,500 pounds. So a few years ago, designer "elves" at City Hall began sculpting away, plastic surgeon-style: smaller breast "implants," a nip and tuck here, some liposuction around the hips. "There!" proclaimed a jubilant Costa. "Better! A little less busty."

The new measurements for the missus? A perfect 12-9-15. Feet, of course.

A gracious mu'u enticingly hiked to the knees, complemented by a Hawaiian bracelet with her new Hawaiian nickname, Mele, and hibiscus in her hair completed her new look. A tasteful kukui-nut lei added that certain Hawai'i je ne sai quoi.

Still, there was the matter of a needed facial: "Have you EVER seen as much pale, pasty skin in one place?" Costa complained to city designers.

"Every year, Carol says, 'Make her darker, make her darker,'" said City Hall "artist elf" Alex Ching.

So, every year until this year, as Santa and The Missus settled in on the front lawn for a long winter's rest, she'd gotten a little browner at the hands of city painters. Almost papa'a (burnt), some said, more local-looking, "to hide the (original) 'comic-book flesh color,'" Ching said.

Mrs. Claus had gone from North Pole ... to North Shore!

Now that the kama'aina couple has settled into local life, it's likely, Ching said, that the little haole-looking gnomes and elves might take on their true island souls as well.

In fact, their secret may be out already: They were menehune all along.