Family Matters
Parting tips from departing columnist
Editor's note: This is parenting columnist Lynne Wikoff's last column.
By Lynne Wikoff
As a member of the 'Ohana section "family" since its beginning, I've enjoyed sharing information about parenting. However, I now find that it is time for me to move on to new challenges. While it is always hard to say goodbye to old friends, and to the new ones I have made in the course of doing these columns, I need to devote more time to writing — specifically, writing fiction for children.
As my parting gift to you, I offer the following list of Nine Things to Keep in Mind When Raising Children.
1. Begin and end each day by showing your children how much you love them — a hug or pat or doing some special small thing that says "you're special." Filling up children's emotional "bank" with love will help give them the solid foundation they need to tackle the hard parts of growing up.
2. Understand that a parent's role is to prepare children to leave the "nest" and live independently. To do that, children need experience making decisions appropriate to their age — and they need to experience the consequences of those decisions, the good and the no-so-good, without your interference. It's best to begin this process when children are still young enough that negative consequences won't be dire so they understand cause and effect by the time they are teenagers and are faced with more serious choices.
3. Teaching a child to get along in the world is another component of a parent's role. Structure and discipline are the tools of this task, and these must be tailored to a child's developmental stage and capabilities. Keep expectations realistic — for example, expecting a 2-year-old to sit quietly in a fancy restaurant is to invite disaster.
4. Appreciate your children for who they are, even if they're not what you wanted them to be. Maybe you wanted a star athlete and you got a sensitive soul who prefers poetry to scoring touchdowns. In words favored by my daughter, "deal with it." In my words, you have no control over inborn personality, so accept your child's nature and work with it.
5. Accept that your children will sometimes be unhappy. All kids wish they could do whatever they want whenever they want. When parents thwart this wish, it's only natural for kids to be unhappy. That's life.
6. Pay more attention to children's efforts than to outcome. If they work hard at something, the results will take care of themselves. For example, when children practice good study habits, they are learning how to learn — a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives — and their grades will be as good as they can be. Good grades without good study habits are hollow achievements.
7. Recognize your children's special talents and encourage them. Everyone is good at something, and deserves to be appreciated for whatever it is.
8. Be flexible. Just when you think you've got a grip on parenting, your children will have reached a new stage of development and you'll have to rethink everything you thought you know. You can easily tell when it's time to be flexible — it's when you're ready to scream, or to move to another state and change your name!
9. Have fun. Sharing good times is the cement of family life. Fun for fun's sake is never a waste of time — in fact, it's a necessity as a balance to those parts of child rearing that aren't much fun for parents or children.
Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based freelance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and has twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.
If you have comments, questions or suggestions about Family Matters, write 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
