Advice to parents: Children will emulate what they see

By Zenaida Serrano Espanol
Advertiser Staff Writer

Sarah Peterson of Hawai'i Kai showers her three little girls with hugs and kisses now more than ever.

"I think the greatest thing we can give our kids is to teach them how to act and how to treat society," Peterson said, "because when we raise a child who is caring, who can see people who are hurting and need help, and they can reach out and help other people, then we've contributed the greatest gift to society that we can give."

Growing up in a nurturing home and developing compassionate traits — kindness, generosity and non-violence — is more important for children than many parents may realize.

"We are seeing time and again the lack of nurturing in generation upon generation," said Dr. Victoria Schneider, medical director of the Kapi'olani Child Protection Center who works with abused and neglected children.

Children who never develop a sense of being loved, Schneider said, are at higher risk for delinquent behaviors, drug use, early pregnancies and violence in their lives.

"They grow up to be the parents who, in turn, don't have the tools that they need to provide a loving and safe environment for their own children, and so the cycle continues," Schneider said.

Dr. Calvin Sia, professor of pediatrics at the University of Hawai'i John A. Burns School of Medicine, said that with all the violence our world is facing — from school shootings to terrorist attacks — it is more imperative than ever to "get back to the importance of nurturing, caring, compassion and warmheartedness."

Whether reading to a toddler or simply sitting down to have dinner with a teenager, experts say there are various things that parents can do to ensure their children grow up to be kind and warmhearted people.

"I think the very earliest thing that the young child needs is that sense that they're loved and that they're safe," Schneider said. "I don't think that that can be overemphasized."

The early years

The first few years of a child's life can be critical in the development of their character. The early years are when children develop a sense of who they are, Schneider said, and if they don't get a sense that they're loved or that they're safe, they may not develop a good sense of themselves.

"They're not going to be able to become that compassionate and caring adolescent because those early needs for love and nurturing never got met," Schneider said.

Parents should therefore create a bond with their infants and toddlers by interacting with them and providing them with a lot of attention, whether playing simple games with them, singing to them or simply holding them.

"A wonderful example is sitting and reading with your child," Schneider said.

Peterson — mother of three daughters ages 6 months to 4 years old — believes in the importance of spending quality as well as quantity time with her girls to help them acquire caring traits; not only a lot of time but a lot of time spent in activities that are enjoyable but also build character and increase knowledge. In addition to reading to them and singing together, the Petersons also enjoy having tea parties and gardening.

Religion plays a major role in the Peterson's lives, so praying together also is important, said Peterson, who is president of the East O'ahu chapter of American Mothers Inc. (AMI) — Hawai'i Association, a nationwide nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening homes and families in the community.

Dr. Jeff Okamoto, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician at Kapi'olani, said toddlerhood also is a good time for parents to praise and reward a child's affectionate behavior, such as giving grandma a kiss, as well as sharing behavior, such as letting a cousin play with a toy. "Then the child will pick up that that's desired behavior," Okamoto said.

Sarah Peterson, 26, of Hawai'i Kai, with her daughters, 4-year-old Sydney, 2-year-old Morgan and 6-month-old Kaylee. Deborah Booker • The Honoolulu Advertiser

Experts agree that no matter how old a child is, parents need to constantly model compassionate behavior.

"I think my example to them is probably the most important thing," Peterson said. "How I treat them, how I treat their sisters, my spouse, other people, that's how they're going to learn how to treat other people."

Parents and their school-age children should also continue to spend time together, Schneider said, "still reading those stories together, having those meals together, giving an opportunity for the child to give their opinion about things.

"That's the one great thing about having that family meal time is that the child has the sense that their thoughts and their opinions are important and gives them a chance to reflect and comment on things that are happening in their world," Schneider said.

Like Schneider, Susan Kunz of La'ie also believes in the importance of listening to children of all ages.

"It helps build a sense of self-confidence in your child and that what they have to say is worth saying," said Kunz, a full-time mother of seven children, ages 22 months to 17 years old.

Also important is allowing for compromise, said Kunz, president of the Hawai'i Association of AMI.

"There has to be room to allow each child at every single age to feel that they have some type of decision-making power," Kunz said. "That they have some control over their lives and the things that they do in their lives."

Kunz said including children in the decision-making process, such as setting up a time when homework needs to be done, has the same advantages as listening to a child in that it builds their self-worth.

"A compassionate person is very often someone who is secure with themselves," Kunz said. "If you are constantly fighting feelings of inadequacy, then the amount of time you can spend reaching out to other people is limited because if you don't feel you can help yourself, you're not going to spend a whole lot of time helping other people."

Okamoto also warned parents of school-age children of the violence that's so prevalent in television programs, movies and video games, which he said can be "so influential" among children.

Okamoto said parents should monitor what their children are exposed to.

Teens

"A lot of parents feel that in the teen years, the teen is so interested in their own social group that they don't care so much about what their parents think," Schneider said, "and I think that that's a big mistake, because I think that parents are still tremendous role models in the child's life." So parents need to continue to model caring behaviors, Schneider said.

Peer role models are also important, Sia said. He recommends parents encourage their teens to volunteer for community service organizations, which is a good place to find positive peer role models.

Not only should parents encourage their children to do community volunteer work, Schneider said, but the parents themselves should also set an example and volunteer for different programs or projects as well. "I do a lot of volunteer work and I drag them around with me," Kunz said and laughed.

Parents should ask themselves what they are doing in their lives to reach out and contribute to their community, Schneider said. She suggests parents get involved, for example, with church groups, outreach programs, environmental cleanups or feeding the homeless.

"I think it's really valuable (for parents) to do that kind of activity with their teenager," Schneider said. "If the parent isn't doing that also, their words are not going to get as far with their child."

Reading List

Here are selected titles for parents and children on the subjects of compassion, kindness, generosity and other values:

For Parents:

• "Children Are from Heaven : Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children" (Quill, $14 paperback)
• "Letitia Baldridge's More Than Manners!: Raising Today's Kids to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts" (Scribner, $23 hardcover)

For Children:

• "Horton Hears a Who!" (Random House, $14.95 hardcover)
• "Shiloh Season" (Aladdin Paperbacks, $4.50 paperback)
• "The Children's Book of Virtues" (Simon & Schuster, $22 hardcover)
• "The Giving Tree" (Harpercollins Juvenile Books, $15.95 hardcover)
• "The Runaway Rice Cake" (Simon & Schuster, $16.95 hardcover)