Extended families share generations of values

By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer

It takes a lot of hard work and cooperation to live in one of Hawai'i's multi-generational families, but the rewards are worth it.

The household of Jill Kitamura, left, included four generations until her great-grandmother died recently. Clockwise from foreground are Miyoko Kitamura, 72, holding a photo of her mother, Yoshiko Uehara; Miyoko Kitamura's granddaughter Jill Kitamura, 17; son Mike Kitamura, 47; daughter-in-law Dorrine Kitamura, 46; and grandson Gavin Kitamura, 15. Kyle Sackowski • The Honolulu Advertiser

They used words like frustration, sacrifice, difficult, conflict, challenging, drawbacks and stress to describe some of the problems that arise when two, three and, sometimes, four generations live under the same roof.

Despite occasional fights, mix-ups and misunderstandings, though, most people said they wouldn't miss the opportunity to bring their families closer together, physically and emotionally.

"What I enjoy most is the bonding that is taking place amongst the generations," said Marsha Iuli, who lives in a Waipahu house with 15 (and sometimes 17) family members that range from her grandmother to her grandnephew.

Others say the joys and lessons of living together include sharing, caretaking, helping one another, respecting youth and old age alike, and never having to come home to an empty house.

"Our house is always the gathering place," said Jill Kitamura, a senior at Mid-Pacific Institute whose extended family once included her brother, her parents, her now-late grandmother and great-grandmother in Palolo. "Grandma, great-grandma and often my cousins were there to greet me."

"The lack of privacy (and space), not to mention peace and quiet can wear on anyone's nerves," Iuli said. "But we try to make the best of our situation. Everyone does their part. The adults handle their share of financial responsibilities. We also participate in other ways, like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, baby-sitting, etc. The children also have chores."

While no recent census numbers are available, Hawai'i has always been considered a place where different generations of families live together more than many other places in the United States. Asian traditions of caring for the elderly, Hawaiian cultural values, and the high price of housing all contribute to our unique expanded 'ohana living arrangements.

Many people wouldn't have it any other way.

"Though at times we drove each other crazy, I wouldn't have changed a thing," said Joey Ancong, who was raised in a Pearl City home that included three generations. "I wouldn't exactly say we coped with our living arrangement, but I think we worked with it. My grandparents mean the world to me, and I don't think I would have the same appreciation if our living situation were different."

Ancong said the good always outweighed the bad for her growing up in a crowded, multi-generational home.

"There was always someone at home waiting for me after school," she said. "Grandma always took care of cooking and the laundry, which cut out on some of the chores my brother and I had to do and allowed us to participate in more extracurricular activities.

"And because my dad was a restaurant manager, and my mom worked in retail, my grandparents often played the role as substitute parents, so my brother and I were never left home alone."

Many people said the multi-generational living arrangements taught them to have more respect for others. Often that meant someone biting their tongue when one generation's values clashed with another. Children had to learn to tolerate the eccentricities of their elders. Grandparents had to learn to not interfere in young lives. Parents, caught in the middle, often had to walk a tightrope on both ends.

"Sometimes I can still hear the sound of Grandma stirring watered-down Swiss Miss in my favorite cup," wrote Irene Cadelina, "I never had the heart to take it away from her. As far as grandma knew, it was her cup."

Her frail grandmother, whom they called "Lola," moved into her Hawai'i home in 1998. Irene, along with her mother and sister, Carol, shared the daily duties of taking care of Lola. In return, they were rewarded with marvelous reminisces about her grandmother's past — stories about her childhood in the Philippines, her marriage at age 16 and her education in the United States, a degree from Northwestern University in the mid-1930s and a career as an accountant, entrepreneur and Spanish professor. Eventually, Lola insisted on moving back home to the Philippines.

"A year and a half later, I finally realize the power that Lola had in bringing our family together," she wrote. "It was the time we had together — all three generations of women, as a family — that I cherish and sometimes wish I could reclaim."

On the lookout

In the biggest families there's a sense that people are looking out for one another.

"The reason we moved in with Nana in the first place was to take care of her, but as it turns out, she's actually taking care of us," said Courtney Chun, a fourth-grader at Punahou School. Nana is his 89-year-old grandmother, who moved into the family home when her husband of 69 years died.

"She watches me when necessary, so my parents don't have to scramble with a baby-sitter," he wrote. "Other advantages of our living arrangement are that it's easier for my daddy to repair Nana's house now that he's already there. Also, Nana loves to cook, and she makes delicious dishes. So my mommy rarely cooks nowadays, but somehow I don't think she minds."

The caretaking works both ways.

"Someone is almost always here to watch over great-grandmother ... and she in turn likes to watch over them and give them goodies," wrote Alberta Gouveia, who lives with her mother, a son, a daughter and four grandchildren in Kane'ohe.

Nobody said living together is easy, though.

"I tend to forget that I am not responsible for the grandkids and need to keep my mouth shut sometimes, stay out of disciplining," Gouveia wrote.

Anne Dolan, a single mother raising her four children in the Kailua home where her parents live upstairs, knows the feeling.

"It takes a lot of good communications and picking your battles," she said. Messy rooms, loud music, constant friends, skateboarding, surfing in and out of the house — all can become problem areas with her own parents, she said.

"These little things can turn into big problems if you don't stay positive and react out of love instead of fears," she said. "So, nowadays, when I hear 'Anne, the kids are using too many towels and the place is a mess,' I just smile and try to remember to thank God for those towels and this wonderful gift of having my parents right upstairs."

Charmaine Bissen, who lives in Wailuku, Maui, with husband Kenneth, a medically fragile 8-year-old son, a 7-year-old daughter and her husband's parents, says that despite some disadvantages, the family has learned to "enjoy every moment" of their unique relationship.

"We respect each person for who they are and try to focus on their positive qualities," she said. "We appreciate life and the kind moments we share with one another. ... So life goes on in Wailuku, and we thank God for the family we have."