Students cope by expressing feelings
• Typical reactions after trauma
• To help your family feel safe and well
• Sources for help
By Katherine Nichols
Advertiser Staff Writer
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| Students at Assets School made a giant paper lei, with flowers bearing messages of support, as a way to express their feelings about the terrorist attacks on the East Coast. Simple craft activities can be helpful for children in coping with such a national tragedy.
Photos by Richard Ambo • The Honolulu Advertiser Some sentiments by students Here is a sampling of sentiments by ASSETS School students in reaction to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on America. They wrote their thoughts on paper flowers that were strung into a huge. “We share your sorrow and mourn for you.” “I feel sad about how people are trap and buried under their building or lost their loved ones. I would be sad if my family never made it. I hope this chaos will end soon.” “Dear Lord, Please be with those people who lost their loved ones. Please protect us from the person who is doing these evil acts.” “I hope that everyone is happy in heaven.” “Your deaths caused your country to unite stronger. Why did it be your lives to unite us?” “America is strong. We are together.” “Never give up hope.” |
But this time each person was given a red, white or blue flower made of construction paper, and encouraged to express his or her feelings in any way. The results included reflections on what they were grateful for, prayers, notes, drawings and sometimes just pasted pictures of an American flag, a dove or a cross. One even composed a picture of a plane flying toward the World Trade Center, and wrote one word above the drawing: "Senseless."
Every class then strung together the flowers with plastic straws and yarn, and at noon during the national day of prayer on Sept. 14, all 400 students in kindergarten through 12th grade gathered on the lawn to see their Lei of Remembrance encircle the Honolulu school.
"It allowed the youngest children and adults to participate in a meaningful way. (The expressions) were quite thoughtful and deep," said headmaster Lou Salza.
It was also an opportunity for people to express their feelings in a tangible way.
And like several other activities initiated by schools — it is something that any family can replicate on a smaller scale at home, offering one more way to help children cope with the national tragedy.
These don't take much money or time, but parents can provide relief for children by helping them write letters to local fire fighters, participate in community service to raise money for the victims of the attack, or use crayons, paints and clippings for an art project or memorial scrap book.
"We all have a whole jumble of feelings and they all need to get expressed," said Assets middle-school teacher Cassy Rooney. The lei, she added, represents good feelings and was one more avenue for Hawai'i children to reach out and comfort others.
Despite having their homecoming week canceled, Moanalua High School rallied to the cause by creating a 10-foot tall American flag made of butcher paper. Within an hour of hearing the news, said English teacher and senior class adviser Inga Kelly, she had 50 students in her classroom making the flag. "It was amazing to see the dedication and devotion these kids had at that time," she said.
On the flag students wrote sympathetic notes of love and encouragement and signed their names. The flag will be sent to New York in hopes of lifting the spirits of those who see it.
Moanalua students are also working on an American flag made of felt. Cut-out tracings of students' hands will serve as stars, representing a symbolic set of helping hands. An American shave ice fund-raiser brought in $300, which students have donated to the Red Cross's disaster relief fund. And the school is also planning a paper lei that will stretch the length of the football field.
Lanikai Elementary School counselor Linda Heaivilin said she has proposed that the school ask students to contribute toward the purchase of a peace pole, which is available through worldpeace.org She says it might be therapeutic for the students to give something — however small — and "see where the money went," then participate in a pole-planting ceremony.
In Boulder, Colo., a Brownie troop wrote letters and drew pictures for New York firefighters. In this case, the troop leader was related to a firefighter in the Bronx, and arranged for the cards and letters to get to a specific station. Experts say that it can be therapeutic for young people to do something similar for local police and firefighters, thanking them for risking their lives to protect others.
While parents might find it alarming, experts say that it can be empowering for children to re-enact rescue efforts with toy fire trucks and ladders. These acts may also open avenues of communication between parents and children.
Even if it isn't part of a lei, drawing is always therapeutic. Sometimes young children are only capable of scribble, but parents can give would-be artists a chance to explain, and that in itself is therapy.
Children may also find it comforting to donate money or toys to charities like the Red Cross, or participate in local efforts to raise money to send to New York.
Older children might find relief in writing in a journal or creating a scrap book with news clippings and personal thoughts about the events. This is also an activity that parents and children can do together.
Experts agree that while it is helpful to provide opportunities for discussion, prayer and small activities, it is best to listen for signals from children and not to belabor the issue. Much of the time, however, it is difficult for parents to know what to say or do.
Salza admits to his own shortcomings in his attempt at offering specific advice. "The sad truth is, I don't have any suggestions," he said. "I'm out of my depth on this. There's no precedent. There's no guidebook. We all recognize that we've lost something. And the children know it."
Experts agree that the best parents can do is allow children to express their feelings through different outlets, and comfort them along the way.
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| Students at Assets School expressed their feelings about the attacks through a lei of remembrance, covering paper flowers with words of love. |
Children's reactions may appear immediately or weeks after a traumatic experience. Even children not directly involved in crisis may experience fear and anxiety because of their parents' reactions and exposure to news reports. Here are signs to watch for by age group:
- 5 years and younger: Fear of separation from parent, crying, screaming, immobility, aimless motion, trembling, clinging, regression to early behaviors such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting
- 6-11 years: Extreme withdrawal, disruptive behavior, inattentiveness, regression to earlier behaviors, sleep problems, outbursts of anger or aggression at school, stomach aches or other physical symptoms, problems with schoolwork, depression
- 12-17 years: Responses like those of adults, including flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, depression, drug abuse, problems with peers, anti-social behavior, school avoidance, sleep disturbance, confusion
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To help your family feel safe and well
- Explain what is happening, simply and factually. Kids know when you are not truthful. When you don't know, say so. School-age children may benefit from seeing on a map how far away the incidents were.
- Encourage children to express feelings. Ask limited questions to elicit reactions, feelings, fears. Let children know it's normal to be upset or to feel fearful. But don't belabor the point.
- Reassure children that you will take care of them; stay with them as much as possible.
- Try to follow a calming bedtime routine.
- Don't criticize regressive behavior (thumb-sucking, clinging); be accepting and reassuring.
- If yours is a religious household, prayer, reading religious works or other rituals will reassure children.
- Kids need to play, laugh and think about other things. Help redirect them sometimes from media reports.
- Make a note of volunteer opportunities. Find something the children can do with you.
- Deal with your own fears; talk to others, do what calms you. Children mirror the reactions of their parents and caregivers.
- Take measures to help you feel more safe. Implement suggestions from police to make your home safer. Make sure your car is running well. Avoid frightening books and movies.
- Recognize that painful memories of the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, natural disaster or other traumatic experiences (even ones that happened long ago) may be brought to the surface as a result of recent events.
- Keep a journal about how you're doing and feeling.
- Create a ritual. This can be helpful when words are inadequate. Examples include lighting a candle, buying flowers, visiting a cemetery or attending a religious ceremony.
- Go easy on yourself. Don't accept any new commitments for a while. Order take-out. Cancel some meetings. Go to bed early.
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Information and referrals
- Parent Line: 526-1222
- State Department of Health, O'ahu Community Mental Health Center: 832-5770
These Web sites have articles on how to help children deal with emotional turmoil:
- www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/violence.cfm — National Institute of Mental Health
- www.nncc.org/homepage.html — National Network for Child Care
- sp.uconn.edu/~nrcgt/news/winter97/wintr972.html — University of Connecticut site
- parentsplace.com
- pta.org — The Parent Teacher Organization's national site
- www.nea.org — The National Education Association site
- zerotothree.org — The Zero to Three National Center, a resource center for parents and educators of young children
- child.com — Child magazine
- try-nova.org — National Organization for Victim Assistance
Books
Few books are available on this subject, and most are by special order only; Amazon.com lists these titles:
- "Let's Talk About Living in a World of Violence: An Activity Book for School-Age Children" by Dr. James Garbarino (Erickson Institute, 1993)
- "Children in a Violent Society" by Joy D. Osofsky (Gilford Press, 1998)
