Family Matters
More Hawai'i grandparents now are rearing kids
By Lynn Wikoff
She didn't expect to be a "soccer mom" in her 60s, but since she's raising her 9-year-old grandson, that's how she describes herself. And that 'Aina Haina resident is not unique.
According to 2000 Census statistics, about 38,000 children under 18 in Hawai'i live with their grandparents — that's about 13 percent of all children, an increase from about 10 percent in 1990. Further, Hawai'i's rate is more than double the 6 percent rate for the United States as a whole (based on 1997 figures).
Custodial grandparents face a host of issues, including the need to cope with both the physical and emotional demands of raising their grandchildren.
"Raising a child requires a lot of energy, and sometimes I just don't have it," says the grandmother, who asked that her name be withheld so that she would not offend her family. To manage the burden, she relies on help from her sister and brother-in-law, who live nearby and often invite her grandson to spend time with them and their three children.
There's also the need to help the grandchildren cope emotionally.
Another custodial grandmother who lives in Makiki and has raised her 7-year-old granddaughter since she was a baby has sought counseling to help herself and her granddaughter cope.
The Makiki woman, who also asked that her name be withheld to protect the feelings of her family, accepts that a child needs to have a connection to her mother, no matter how incapable a mother she is. The grandmother doesn't say anything negative about her daughter, while at the same time avoiding painting an unrealistically rosy picture of her. For example, when her granddaughter asks why her mother doesn't come to get her, Roberta simply suggests she ask her mother or says something noncommittal, such as, "I guess that's just the way she is." She also avoids arguing with her daughter in front of her granddaughter.
Both women also stress that they have to be prepared for the emotional upset that often follows their grandchildren's visits with their mother. "My grandson waits until he's home with me, where he feels safe, to let out what's bothering him," explains the 'Aina Haina grandmother.
Whatever the stresses they face, these grandparents have no intention of giving up. "Despite all the changes in my life, my granddaughter has given me great love and joy — that's how I can do it," says the Makiki grandmother.
Community resources can provide the support grandparents need as they strive to provide care and stability for their grandchildren — and often to cope with the financial and legal issues involved.
The PACT-sponsored Community Family Centers offer monthly meetings for custodial grandparents in conjunction with the Queen Liliuokalani Children's Center. They hear guest speakers, learn about other resources they may need and interact with others who face similar situations. Groups meet in Kane'ohe on the first Wednesday of the month at 9 a.m., in Kailua on the third Wednesday at 8:30 a.m. and in Waimanalo on the fourth Wednesday at 10 a.m. A Leeward Coast group is being considered. For details, call Sharon at the PACT Kaneohe Community Family Center, 235-7747.
Also, AARP offers a free newsletter, Parenting Grandchildren. To subscribe, send your name and address to AARP Grandparent Information Center, 601 E St. NW, Washington, DC 20049, or go to aarp.org to register.
In addition, the Web site at grandsplace.com offers information on many aspects of parenting grandchildren, plus a free bimonthly e-mail newsletter.
Lynne Wikoff is a Honolulu-based free-lance writer who holds a master's degree in social work with an emphasis on child development. She has raised a daughter, now in her mid-20s, and a stepson, now 40, and has twin 10-year-old step-grandchildren.
Wikoff and fellow Hawai'i parent Ka'ohua Lucas take turns writing the Family Matters column. If you have comments, questions or topic suggestions, write: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
