'The Osbournes' reveals funny side of dysfunction

By Derek Paiva
Advertiser Staff Writer

I fell head over heels for MTV's latest contribution to reality TV, "The Osbournes," at the moment when papa Ozzy let loose a flurry of profanities chastising his teenage daughter, Kelly, for getting a tattoo.

Ozzy Osbourne, top left, is joined on the show by wife, Sharon; daughter Kelly, 16; and son Jack, 15. mtv.com . . . 'The Osbournes' • 8:30 p.m., Tuesdays • MTV

This from a man famous for having tats just about everywhere but his ... well, everywhere.

On another episode, the rocker — who once bit off the head of a live dove to impress a room full of record execs — belches another expletive-laden tirade after one of the family's army of incontinent mutts begins leaving warm expressions of odorous love all over the house. After threatening to have the dog excommunicated to the pound, Osbourne later has a tearful change of heart and lets the poor thing stay.

Welcome to the oft-times twisted, oft-times touchingly honest family values of the Osbourne clan — a nuclear family unit surprisingly not all that different from us so-called "normal folk."

For a fast-paced half hour each Tuesday, MTV's "The Osbournes" follows the freaky, excruciatingly funny activities of 53-year-old rock geezer Ozzy Osbourne, his longtime wife and manager, Sharon, and two of the couple's three children, Kelly, 16, and Jack, 15 (eldest daughter, Aimee, refuses to appear on camera). MTV cameras trailed the Osbournes for six months last year, capturing the family's move into a swanky mansion in Beverly. Hills. Funny thing: It's the neighbors who won't turn down their loud music when the Osbournes politely ask them to.

Regardless of whether you're a fan of Ozzy the rocker — and liking his former group, Black Sabbath's, "Iron Man" is about as close as I come to being a devotee — "The Osbournes" is as addictive an original television experience as first-season "Survivor" episodes were two years ago.

The March 5 premiere of "The Osbournes" posted MTV's highest ratings ever for a series premiere, and was the top-rated cable program in its time slot. Ratings showed that the episode drew 3.2 million households, and that

total has grown with subsequent episodes. It's a particular hit with MTV's 12- to 34-year-old audience. "The Osbournes" has also garnered near universal praise from television critics nationwide.

What's the appeal?

Well, for one thing, a family as preternaturally bizarre as Osbourne's could hardly have been dreamed up by even the most clever television scribes.

Consider daughter Kelly, a dour hellion with pink spiky hair, who when not embarrassing her mom and pop by labeling them too old to have sex, complains that Ozzy can't hear her anymore. "Well, you haven't been standing in front of 30 billion decibels for 35 years," cracks Ozzy, his voice an exasperated mush-mouthed mumble. "Just write me a note."

Moody Jack — regularly chided by Kelly as "a (bleeping) loser" — is an endearing goofball who one imagines is destined to become the spitting image of his dear old dad, only without the cool rock star career. A scene where the father-son duo team up to wrangle with a television remote control big enough to bring the space shuttle in for a landing is priceless.

Momma Sharon appears to have an unwritten rule forbidding her kids usage of more four-letter words in one episode than she can manage herself. The most intelligent and strong-willed of the Osbourne brood — just wait until she unleashes her wrath on those pesky next-door neighbors — Sharon nevertheless spends much of her time doting on a growing menagerie of dogs and cats that I suspect will force the entire family from the mansion by episode six.

And then there's Ozzy.

When not staring blankly at his beloved History Channel documentaries, lumbering around the family home in hideous track pants and T-shirt combos and slugging endless cans of Diet Coke like he once did bottles of Jack Daniels, Ozzy nurtures the eternally dazed look of an addled former wastoid. "Master of Reality," indeed.

Though he's often the target for familial taunts and gibes that could easily repulse longtime fans of his former British badness, Ozzy on "The Osbournes" is, at heart, an affectionate husband and father who will do just about anything to keep his family happy.

You just haven't lived until you've seen the now-hunched Oz man raise his arms in disgust and scream at his berating brood, "I love you more than life itself, but you're all (bleeping) mad!"

Mike and Carol and Greg and Alice were never this much (bleeping) fun.