Plight of a cybersnoop

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

Some Hawai'i counselors and parents say when it comes to monitoring kids' Internet usage, it comes down to the age-old matter of trust. Illustration by Greg Taylor • The Honolulu Advertiser

Granted, her son is only 10, and her job at Saint Louis School has her supervising Internet usage for 800 teenage boys. That puts her at an advantage when she wrestles with a question her parents never had to:

How closely should children's Internet usage be monitored?

The answer, some Hawai'i counselors and parents say, is that it comes down to the age-old matter of trust. It depends on what degree of independence and confidence you feel a youngster deserves.

Horiuchi and other Saint Louis School administrators said students should practice personal responsibility. Unlike Hawai'i public schools, Saint Louis doesn't use blocking software on the school's Internet-access computers, expecting students to practice restraint.

Horiuchi doesn't like software filters, either for the school or for home: "I don't think they work," she said bluntly.

But Saint Louis students aren't left entirely to their own devices. She and a group of 10 students comb through the school's three labs once a quarter to check Internet histories.

"We put a lot of the onus on kids to be responsible," she said. "It's on (parents), too, to teach what's appropriate."

But monitoring also works. Horiuchi laughingly recalls how the group, in the checking process, tracked down a couple of middle-schoolers downloading things they weren't supposed to — Britney-Spears-in-a-midriff kind of stuff.

"That stopped really, really quickly once the kids realized we were going to call parents," she said. "That was back in September, and we haven't had a problem since."

On the other hand, Ellen Manago, Farrington High newswriting teacher, has been in the opposite predicament from her colleague across town. She knew she was out of her league when her two sons, now 24 and 20, were using the computer. But she knew that trust was something they had earned by obeying curfew and being open with their parents about their whereabouts.

"We're happy we were able to establish an open communication with them," she said.

Manago remembered after the Columbine school shootings, parents who were hands-off in their approach were criticized for not knowing what their children were up to. For a few minutes, Manago was tempted to check a little deeper into their affairs. But she also didn't want to betray their trust.

Boundaries necessary

The type of parent you are can determine how you monitor computer usage.

If you follow a "parent-centered" approach to child-rearing, you may think being a responsible parent means tracking your children's Web wanderings, or using software and checking the history bar in the Internet access program.

Those who fall into the "child-centered" parenting camp wouldn't think of going to such lengths unless the child has sent out red flags.

Bobbie Sandoz is a parenting consultant, former Advertiser columnist, and a mother of two and grandmother of two who falls in the "parent-centered" camp. She said parents must have clear, managed boundaries around Internet use.

"You wouldn't let them take off into any area of town ... the same thing is true on an Internet excursion," said Sandoz, author of "Parachutes for Parents."

"If they have the maturity to make all these decisions, they'd be living on their own, paying their own way. They're still dependent, and part of that dependence is parents making sure they have the ability to manage clear, safe decisions."

The parent's role is to guide, not control the child, she said, adding it's OK to say, "I will hold out the right to snoop where you've gone. ...

"If you've got a kid who uses drugs, it's OK to require drug tests," she pointed out, which keeps a parent from getting broadsided.

Truth is critical in any relationship, Sandoz said.

Trust is key, too: "When trust is lost, the relationship has no chance of feeling clear or clean or joyful," she said.

Dialogue key with kids

Lenore Peterson, mother of a 5-year-old and a clinical social worker who falls in the other camp, agrees that trust is paramount. But she said she believes snooping violates trust.

"What you want is somebody who will turn to you" in tough times, said Peterson, who coordinates a peer-helping program for teenagers at Punahou School.

That means being interested in your child's point of view, even if it's outside a parent's comfort zone. Once the child goes underground, you've lost a big battle, she said.

Conversely, if a parent is seeing red flags — swastikas, obscene bumper stickers, tattoos, T-shirts with scary slogans or friends who aren't headed down a good path, for example — you need to step up your vigilance, she said.

"You need to be honest sharing with kids what your concerns are, rather than rush in and checking their e-mail," she said, adding she wouldn't routinely violate a child's right to privacy.

After Columbine, Peterson said she understands how parents stepped up their concerns. But before snooping, "I'd say, 'I have some concerns, these are my concerns, I'd like to get on the computer with you,' rather than violating their trust."

Peterson recommends parents who feel the need to go an extra step ask their children to take them down the scroll bar to see what Web sites they've visited, or ask them to open their e-mail with their parents reading over their shoulder.

"Asking is one thing," Peterson said. "If they refuse, I'd get into a dialogue."

A violation of trust

While 17-year-old Christopher Mikesell, editor of the Moanalua High yearbook, said it would it would "kind of" bother him if his family checked the scroll bar for the Internet history, his stepfather, Timothy Butler, does monitor his computer use.

"He knows if I've been in a chat room, or how long I've been online, but doesn't know how to get to the specific URLs," he said.

His mother, Susan Butler, admits her son is probably the most computer-savvy member of the family.

Mikesell said he wouldn't want his parents snooping around his activities just for the sake of snooping, adding that to an extent, he and his parents trust each other.

He would take great offense if they opened his e-mail.

"You wouldn't go around opening people's regular mail," he said. "I would feel violated if my parents used my password to go into my account and look into my e-mail."

His mother agreed she wouldn't do that — and not just because she's a busy mother of six.

Truth on the table

Checking Web history doesn't bother others as much as the stickier wicket: Is it ever OK to open a child's e-mail?

Sandoz sides with the concept of responsible parenting: If you're concerned about your child's decision-making skills, and if you've established that you will make periodic checks, then yes. She'll tell them the more responsible they are, the less supervision they'll need.

But, "if you're low responsibility, you get higher supervision," she said. "If the signs aren't going well, I'm going to become more attentive."

Sandoz looks at the deeper philosophical implication: If a child is adept at keeping secrets, problems are bigger than what the e-mail holds.

"I believe ... we are more accountable when the truth is on the table between us," Sandoz said, urging parent and child to come together and tell all nuances of the truth.

Keeping the upper hand

Jack Kampfer, lay minister of Our Lady of Sorrows in Wahiawa and an information security consultant, said it is possible to outsmart your computer-savvy children using parental control software, but they still may be one step ahead of you.

For example, say you've installed a tracker on your PC.

Your child can download software that thwarts your efforts, such as Internet erasers that cover the tracks showing where he has been.

"The only thing I can think is, if they're smart enough to erase the trail, the only thing you can do is outsmart them, or lock your computer so they can't get on when you're not there," he said.

Lori Horiuchi of Saint Louis School said there's an easy way to see the history of Internet sites visited on a Windows-based program:

• Go to My Computer.
• Click on Control Panel.
• Scroll down to Internet Options, and find Temporary Internet Files.
• Click on Settings.
• Click View Files.

But remember, if the history has been cleared, only sites visited since will be visible.