Crying at work can have devastating side effects

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Illustration by Martha Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser

The 34-year-old Kaimuki woman, who's in the advertising business, was once reduced to tears in front of a male boss. More recently, she bonded with her female CEO, endeared by the fact that the CEO once got choked up while publicly thanking the staff.

But because Corrie worries about how she is perceived, she also said she has learned to detach herself emotionally from her job and forced herself to build up barriers to protect herself from the pitfalls of crying at work.

The issue of how crying on the job affects your image and credibility is a hot topic in professional-development training sessions of the business world, said Dr. Robert Sussman, medical director of The Medical Corner chain of clinics in Hawai'i that offer employee assistance programs.

Such issues have fueled programs like CareerTrack, which is making a nationwide tour. The Missouri-based company is coming to Hawai'i next week, touting a $129 seminar called "Self-Discipline and Emotional Control: How to stay calm and productive under pressure."

(The seminar, being offered in California and Nevada around the same time, will be in Honolulu, Hilo and Lahaina, assembling secretaries, sales associates and office managers in hotel ballrooms for a day of self-improvement. Call (800) 556-3009 or see careertrack.com for details.)

"Knowledge is good," Sussman said. "The more of it that's out there, the better." But he says seminars must move beyond cookie-cutter talks to really be effective.

When it comes to emotional outbursts, though, Pasene Silifaiva finds it hard to believe bosses, especially men, will ever learn to deal sensitively with people who cry on the job.

Silifaiva, 45, of Kalihi, who used to work in a shipyard, says women might have an easier time being accepted for crying, and the only time he saw a man cry at work was when his colleague was fired. Even the memory of it makes Silifaiva uncomfortable.

Virginia Katz finds the psychology behind all of this fascinating.

The University of Minnesota-Duluth communications professor recalls how, when a female dean at her school bragged about using crying to her advantage during a meeting with the university president in the mid-1980s, Katz was outraged at the dean's manipulation.

It triggered Katz's 15-year research project about women crying at work. She has reviewed literature ranging from Glamour magazine to scientific journals and surveyed businesswomen, but while she thinks crying in the office is detrimental, she has yet to discover any advancements women are making when it comes to turning off the tears.

"Virtually nothing useful has been written about it," she said, and even advice from therapists that crying is good for you contradicts the message that it isn't an acceptable workplace behavior.

Katz is convinced crying at work can sabotage a career, and if women use it as a manipulative tool, it almost always backfires.

"When I talk about this, women always say, 'How do I stop myself from crying?', and men always ask, 'What do I do when a woman cries at work?' " she said. "There are no good answers to any of those questions."

Her best advice is to learn what triggers the anger and the lump in the throat, and to walk away before the tears begin.

And she says bosses shouldn't sit there and watch an employee cry. They should end the conversation and talk again when the employee is more composed.

Weng Baetiong doesn't need a seminar to know that.

The 33-year-old accounting assistant in downtown Honolulu has had plenty of experience with "Self-Discipline and Emotional Control."

For her, it translates into: "Head for the bathroom."

"I just walk away," Baetiong said, "and after that, it's OK."

Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.