Posted on: Thursday, August 1, 2002

Shared rooms help kids learn compromise, cooperation

By Beth Donovan
Washington Post

Wondering whether it's OK to double two kids up in a room?

Experts in child development say kids can learn something from sharing space. Some even suggest that families, even those with space to spare, consider doubling up the kids, at least for a while.

"Children who share rooms learn a lot about give and take. It can be early training for college, for jobs and for marriage," said Patricia Dalton, a clinical psychologist in Washington. D.C. "Kids have to learn to work things out on their own, and what better place to do it than their rooms?"

There are benefits for the rest of the family, too. Space gained when children share a bedroom can be put to other uses, such as a quiet zone where parents or kids can read, work or just watch a few minutes of television alone.

"The extra bedroom can be made into an away room, a retreat for parents and children," said North Carolina architect Sarah Susanka, author of "The Not So Big House," a 1998 bestseller that has made her something of a celebrity on the subject of living well in less space. "It can become a place where you can close the door for quiet activities or for the TV and the Nintendo."

Many parents put each child in a separate room without giving the issue much thought. Of American families with children, eight in 10 have one or two under age 18. And the average home in this country has three bedrooms, according to 2000 Census data.

George Scarlett, chairman of the Eliot-Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University in Medford, Mass., said one of the most striking differences between American culture and most others is the way we segregate children from adults, and even from children of different ages.

"Other cultures think we're almost abusive in the way we put children in separate bedrooms at night," Scarlett said. "Family beds are commonplace in other parts of the world. Shared rooms are certainly the norm."

It's all a far cry from generations of children who shared rooms and even beds with one another, or with other members of the extended family. And that certainly is still common practice among families with limited means or who come from cultures where sharing sleeping space is the norm.

For many American families, the first private room is the nursery, often painted and personalized before the baby is even born. But as any parent knows, newborns often end up being brought into the parents' room (and bed) for months when feedings and crying interrupt the night.

After they start sleeping through the night — and long before they notice decor — babies are perfectly suitable roommates for older siblings. Although parents sometimes worry that an older brother or sister will feel displaced, experts note that from toddlerhood up through the early elementary years, children typically appreciate the company.

"Sharing a room eases certain issues for children — feelings of aloneness or isolation. It can help them with their sense of attachment and security," said Scarlett.

Child-development professionals said that between the ages of 4 and 8, boys' and girls' interests diverge, and separation by gender then makes sense.

Whatever the children's gender, experts note that a shared room is a safe place to practice compromise and cooperation. Sure, the kids might need to negotiate about which shelves will house whose dolls, trophies and Legos, but in the process they'll be learning to acknowledge another's needs, possessions and wants.

"People do 'getting along' pretty well," said Janice Abarbanel, a Washington clinical psychologist and family therapist. "But we don't have very good models for conflict and not getting along. Sharing space with a sibling can help us learn how to resolve some of these issues."

As children enter middle-school years, the need to express their individuality becomes increasingly important. Parents can help them do this in a shared space by providing each child with a bulletin board, a wall to decorate or deliberately unmatched bedspreads.

Architects and family therapists say it's smart to think of space as an evolving commodity. A room's purpose needn't be designated once and forever.