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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, August 18, 2002

When it's wrong to agree

By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

It's one of those questions for which there is no right answer. I mean, there's the true answer, but it's the wrong thing to say.

"You remember me from before time?"

Your mind goes into an instant whirl, flipping through the giant Rolodex of acquaintances you've amassed over the whole of your life.

How do you proceed gracefully from that one?

If you do remember the person, and say so, then it's as if you're busting them for their false modesty:

"Of course I remember you! Who could forget the guy who broke the windshield of my Cutlass with a green guava the day before prom night! I never going forget you."

Or it seems like you're having to defend your mental abilities:

"Of course I remember you! I just seen you last month! What, I look I get amnesia?"

If you don't remember them, well, there's no getting tactfully out of that one, is there?

"Uh, you Bobby's boy, right? No, Gina's first ex-husband? Wrong again? Wait, don't tell me. You played ball for Kahuku?"

Ouch.

Most often, it's heard not as a question but as a self-deprecating introduction, as in, "I don't know if you remember me, but ..."

There are varying degrees of insincerity, depending on how the sentence is finished.

"I don't know if you remember me, but I used to sit behind you in Mrs. Furomoto's class in the fourth grade" might fly, because it's reasonable to assume that you might have erased the memory of some kid who sat behind you in class several decades ago.

But when it's "I don't know if you remember me, but we were roommates for three years in college," well, that's pretty high on the "yeah, right" meter.

Not as high as "I don't know if you remember me, but I used to be married to you," but still, it's up there.

"I don't know if you remember me ..." is particularly dangerous if conversation already has begun. If you've just spent five minutes weaving an elaborate tale for the person next to you on an interisland flight, the last thing you want to break your stride is, "Uh, I don't know if you remember me, but ..."

The worst, absolute worst, is when the technique is used by a third person to cover up their own memory lapse.

Mothers do this to their adult children all the time: "Look! Look who this is! You remember this lady, right? I know you know who this is!" And you're thinking, "I don't remember her name, and Ma, I can tell you don't either!"

Yes, people ask if you remember them in order to appear polite, to give themselves a way to introduce themselves, to try to avoid assumptions. But give me "Hello, my name is ..." tags any day. Less stress.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.