By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Staff Writer

I was at a sports bar near the University of Hawai'i not long ago when a trio of guys grabbed a table nearby. They were of legal age but not much older, and they were clearly primed to pound a few. All seemed normal until they cut the baseball talk and ordered the first round.

"Crantini," one of them said. "Three times."

"Two times," another corrected. "And a Creamsicle."

Now that's cool, I thought to myself. You've got to be pretty secure in your manhood to order those frou-frou drinks in public. And so I sat back and waited for the three girlfriends I was sure were in the bathroom to appear.

They never did. Four rounds of whatever-tinis later, the guys paid the tab and left.

I dunno, maybe the environmental estrogen from all those Tupperware containers is finally taking effect. Or perhaps it's like the liquor industry analysts say: The increasing number of women in the professional ranks has led to a new wave of trendy cocktails that also attract fashion-conscious men.

Whatever the reason, I've been seeing more and more grown men downing girl drinks like ... like they used to drink beer.

It's all about the girl drink — one part good stuff, 10 parts fruity, syrupy goop. Preferably blended with ice and served in an insanely large glass with big red twisty straws, a miniature umbrella, maybe an inner tube. Or, for the guy who's watching his waist, poured simply into one of those Mini-Me martini glasses.

Of course, you don't need a bartender to neuter your favorite hard liquor these days.

Sales of flavored alcohol drinks like Smirnoff Ice and Absolut Citron jumped 66 percent last year, according to the trade publication Beer Marketer's Insights. (I get serious about my beer research.) Americans drink 5 million barrels of alcoholic drinks that taste nothing like alcohol!

I can't help it. I'm distrustful of any guy who would prefer a lemon drop over a cold beer. I just know that's the same guy who grew up cutting the crusts off his sandwiches and picking the beans out of his Zippy's chili.

In my high school days, there was a simple solution for guys who wanted a buzz but didn't like the taste of alcohol. We called it pot.

I admit, my friends and I downed our share of Boone's Strawberry Hill and hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps when we first started drinking, but there was entirely defensible reason for that: We were cheap, and we were looking for action. Whatever the girls wanted to drink was fine by us.

Still, at some point in our adult lives we became less willing to engage in all the weird alchemy necessary to turn high-quality alcoholic beverages into Icee.

I can't help it — I just think it just seems more manly to drink something that doesn't leave you smelling like a empty carton of Haagen-Dazs.

True, it may be a tad Cro-Mag to suggest that men who drink lychee martinis or French 302s are somehow less masculine than those that prefer a neat sour-mash whisky but ... no, actually, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.

One grog in a dirty glass, please.