By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

It has been said, in bitter and dejected tones, that no good deed goes unpunished. Though I hope that is only rarely the case, I think there must be a related truism that goes: "Many good deeds get misinterpreted when they hit squarely on someone's insecurity."

Or something like that.

I had just moved house and, among the many chores left on the "to-do" list was to clean out the microwave that made the trip from the old place to the new place. There were boxes to unpack, stove burner plates to line, mystery light switches to figure out — many things that took priority. I figured the inch-thick coating of Zippy's chili that had collected on the ceiling and sides of the microwave could wait. After all, the only thing that ever gets heated up in there is Zippy's chili, which is habitually forgotten and left to erupt and ooze like Kilauea. But I intended to get to it. Really.

Then one Monday morning when I opened the microwave door to heat up breakfast (yes, Zippy's chili) I took one look and almost fell on the floor. It was clean inside that microwave. Not just clean, but super-clean. Sparkling clean. Just-like-new clean.

I figured the microwave fairy came when I was sleeping. Or maybe there was a self-clean button on the thing that I didn't know about but accidentally hit. I fished around for explanations in an attempt to avoid the truth.

I'd had houseguests the weekend before. Not family-kind, anything-goes, no-need-clean-too-good houseguests, but the next level up: Not quite move-the-furniture-before-you-vacuum houseguests, but definitely buy-new-pillows-for-their-bed houseguests. They had gotten up before me on a Sunday morning, decided to heat up something, saw the frightful condition of the microwave and took action. I know they meant to be helpful, but I could only think of one thing:

Hoo. Shame.

I told this story to a friend to get the requisite friend-kine sympathy. She confirmed that it was, indeed, shame — but not as shame as what happened to her.

The next-door neighbors took a liking to her little dog. Doggie would go over for frequent visits and often come home with a new toy. So cute! Everything was great until one day, Doggie came home looking particularly spiffy and smelling particularly flowery. It took a second to figure out, and then the shameful realization hit hard: the neighbors had bathed the dog! Hoo da shame! Shame in the same sort of, "I know you trying to be nice but I promise, I was going to get around to it sooner or later. Tomorrow, in fact. I was going to do it tomorrow!" kind of shame.

It's not like you mind the help or question the intention. A good deed is a good deed. You just hope they believe you had intended to get around to that deed yourself. Really.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.