FAMILY MATTERS
Short memory not a bad thing in marriage
By Michael C. DeMattos
With mine at just under 15 years, I can't claim to have any special knowledge about what makes a good marriage. In fact I find it ironic that many celebrities claim to have "the secret" to a successful marriage after being wed for just a few years. Still, if asked, I would say that the key to our marriage has been that we fight fair.
Fighting fair is pretty simple. First, determine what you are fighting for. One of my best buddies once told me that the turning point in his marriage came when he and his wife determined that they were fighting for the marriage rather than simply winning the fight.
Second, never swear at each other. No one is perfect and we all let out a curse word or two, or three, well you get the picture. Still, it should not be directed at your partner. I have never sworn at my wife and she has never sworn at me.
Third, never bring up the past. This is probably the hardest guideline for fair fighting, but maybe the most important. I learned early on in our marriage that bringing up the past would only make things worse. History is double-edged. Each of us keeps a running tally of the other's foibles and faux pas, but bringing them up is rarely helpful. In my case it's downright dangerous. You see, my wife has photographic memory.
I first discovered my wife's unique ability when trying to remember one of our first dates. She immediately rattled off the day, time, location, what I was wearing, and what she was wearing. I was blown away. I quickly scoured my memory banks in an attempt to test her.
"When was the last time we went to the movies and what did we see?"
Again, she recalled in detail, the movie, theater, time, restaurant, and of course, what I was wearing and what she was wearing.
I can barely remember yesterday much less two weeks ago or, worse, two months ago. I have heard many of my buddies say that they have the same problem with their wives. It seems that this photographic memory thing is somehow missing for the Y chromosome.
In light of this, I decided that it was in the best interest of our marriage and, perhaps, more honestly in my own best interest to never again bring up the past while engaged in a battle royale.
And so we fight fair and the past is left in the past. But somewhere along the way something terrible has happened. My mind has become dull. Like a muscle that shrinks without exercise I have lost most of my recall. I now rely on my wife for important dates like birthdays, graduations and holidays. I count on her for determining what I should wear; not for her exceptional taste in clothing, but because she knows what I wore the day before.
As disturbing as this is, however, it seems a small price to pay for peace in the household. A short memory goes a long way when it comes to a good marriage.
Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. He is a family therapist, educator, trainer, storyteller and angler, and lives in Kane'ohe with his wife and 5-year-old daughter. Reach him at: Family Matters, Island Life, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; or e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.
