By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Columnist

There was a time when the only issue of Sports Illustrated I ever threw away was that damn swimsuit edition.

Not that I have anything against swimsuits or, certainly, the people who wear them. My gripe has always been that — hell's bells — I'm paying for Sports Illustrated, not a Victoria's Secret catalog or, worse, Maxim.

Yes, Heidi Klum looks lovely in gold lamé dental floss and seaweed. Yes, it's wonderful the way Daniela Pestova's gleaming stomach captures the Galapagos sunset.

Where, confunnit, is the sports?

Well, it's gotten worse. Where SI used to shirk its sacred mission — to provide readers like me with in-depth analysis on serious issues like what the hell happened to the Mets this season, or why Clippers owner Donald Sterling is such an incredible moron — just once a year, now they're doing it for 5, 10 or 20 pages an issue.

Ever since ESPN the Magazine (an oxymoron and a terrible idea, all in one) debuted a few years ago, it seems SI has been playing catch-up in the race to push sports to the periphery of sports journalism.

How close is Pete Sampras to retiring? Who cares? SI thinks we should spend more time with his wife, actress Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. Actual question from a recent Q&A: "In real life, could J-Lo really steal Matthew McConaughey from you as she did in 'The Wedding Planner?' "

Kill me now.

In a recent issue of SI, we learned that Miami Heat coach Pat Riley is a big Bruce Springsteen fan ... and that German freestyle swimmer Franziska van Almsick's favorite place to have sex is "in the water." The above new items appeared in a section called "Sports Beat," a full-page collection of almost-sports-related puffery that cynics might identify as the magazine's lame attempt to broaden its demographic. Translation: They think writing about the ups-and-downs of Chris Webber and Tyra Banks' relationship will somehow attract more women readers.

"Sports Beat" is not to be confused with "For the Record," a short-order accounting of significant sports transactions. Recent items included former U.S. Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding threatening to sue the makers of Tonya Hot Sauce.

We might expect this kind of stuff from ESPN's magazine, a print publication with a broadcast network's understanding of short attention spans. But SI is — or was — different. It's reputation extends outside the sports world, with writing and reporting that rivals the best "straight" news magazines. It is — or was — a weekly reminder that not all sports fans are Neanderthals. (Raider nation respectfully notwithstanding.)

To be sure, once SI gets to talking about sports, there's no publication better. But to get there, we have to get past stuff like "The Show," Bill Sheft's sports stand-up act in print that used run in — what else — ESPN the Magazine.

My last-chance SI renewal notice is sitting on my kitchen table as I write. And despite my bitching, I'm probably going to re-up for the 15th straight year. But if I ever read about John Madden's favorite place to have sex, I'm out for good.