Suddenly, a partridge in a pear tree looks good

By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Staff Writer

It's been that kind of year, hasn't it? A year when — here's to you, Kenneth Lay — things didn't add up quite the way we expected.

Who would have thought, entering 2002, that Amtrak would be deadlier than the anthrax attacks? Or that Ozzy would get more ET time than Oprah? Or that people actually cared what the H-3 tunnels were named?

So here we are on Friday the 13th, a dozen days before Christmas, with nearly a year's worth of perspective with which to evaluate the big and little gifts we received in 2002. Here then (to stretch the numerology bit) are 12 bachelor-wrapped presents to recall from the past year:

1. A new governor: If all the people who claim they voted for Ed Case actually voted for Ed Case ... Mazie Hirono would have lost by a bigger margin. As it is, the avidly aquatic Linda Lingle got the public nod to swim with the sharks. Let's hope we're getting Engaging Know-It-All Lingle, who used to light up Hawai'i Public Radio talk shows, rather than Wooden Over-Prepped Lingle, who we saw in the campaign commercials.

2. The shocking truth: Whoa there, you mean to tell us that billion-dollar corporations don't always do things by the books? Are you telling us that, in fact, the books are as cooked as a Naked Chef flambé? My defibrillator, Jeeves! If only Enron knew earlier how much those crooked E's would fetch on E-Bay ...

3. A (bleeping) good time: Leave it to fifth-year senior Dejan Miladinovic to sum up the UH men's volleyball program's first national championship: "It's about (bleeping) time!" The Warriors drew throngs of spectators as they took a victory ride downtown on a trolley five days after beating Pepperdine for the championship. There's no truth to the rumor that they went duty-free shopping afterward.

4. A play of the day: Who knew the University of Hawai'i had a hockey team? The Warrior's post-game dust-up with Cincinnati was replayed more times on ESPN than Nate Jackson's cruise-missile leveling of that Fresno State player a year earlier. Too bad all that helmet-waving detracted from the fact that UH is 10-3 with a bowl berth on the way.

5. Double takes: Proving that familiarity breeds a contemptible profit, Hollywood churned out a parade of highly anticipated sequels: "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones;" "Men In Black II," "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," and "Austin Powers in Goldmember." Gee, wonder if there will ever be another Spider-Man movie?

6. A mixed bag of rock: Shakira's live performance of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" at the MTV Legends show notwithstanding, rock 'n' roll was deemed cool again this year. The CD-buying demographic suffered Strokes and Hives, tripped on Vines and decided, ultimately, that three chords and a good scream still go a long way. Undaunted, bandless boy Justin Timberlake hopped from Brittany to Janet to Alyssa without missing a beat.

7. A reason for significant, heightened, elevated concern: The Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system bounced up and down all year in response to terrorist "chatter" and the ebb and flow of credible or noncredible reports — the effect of which was we never actually learned anything about the specific or nonspecific threats against us. Still, airport security personnel across the country did a bang-up job inspecting dirty underwear, confiscating nail files and stopping the same 5 million Middle Easterners at every check point.

8. A hole lot of nothing: Data from the Hubble Space Telescope this year confirmed the existence of a super-massive black hole in the middle of our galaxy. Confirmation that this is where all of our 401(k) contributions ended up is still pending.

9. Another reason to be nice to the guys in the tech department: Borrowing a few stylistic turns from Macintosh OS X but retaining its own fine tradition of incomprehensible installation processes, Microsoft introduced Windows XP in October. Sting — who once sang, "Take a look at my new toy, it'll blow your head in two, oh boy" — performed at the product-launch party.

10. A rising: After spending the better part of the 1990s channeling Woody Guthrie, Bruce Springsteen reassembled his E-Street Band and recorded "The Rising," his much-discussed artistic response to the events of Sept. 11, 2001. Too bad the strongest track on the collection was written before the attacks. Still, nice to have you back, Boss.

11. Some choice waves: Two Hawai'i-themed movies made a splash in theaters this year: Disney's "Lilo & Stitch" and Universal's "Blue Crush." Both featured positive feminist messages, an affirmation of fractured-family love, and some killer surf sequences.

But who would have thought that Disney's animated feature would have the more realistic body types?

12. Elvis back in the building: Yes, the King is still dead. But that didn't keep Disney from dragging a few hip shakers out for the "Lilo & Stitch" soundtrack. A few months later "Elvis 30 No. 1 Hits" hit No. 1 on the Billboard Maga-zine Top Albums list. Too bad

Lisa Marie's marriage to Nicholas Cage didn't have the same staying power.