By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer

Gender check. Take this simple test to see if you are a real man:

The doctor says you have a potentially serious medical condition that could increase your risk for heart attack or stroke. There are two possible treatments. Which do you choose?

1. This option is a very painful operation that leaves you unable to speak or eat for two to three weeks. In its aftermath, you're likely to lose 20 pounds or more. It works only about 50 percent of the time.
2. This treatment is absolutely painless, works while you sleep and is 100 percent effective. The only drawback is you are subject to ridicule in bed for the rest of your life.

Congratulations!

If you chose No. 1, you are definitely a male. Who ever heard of a guy — no matter how secure — who wants to look silly in bed?

All of which explains how I came to be laid up last month, nursing something like the mother of all sore throats, only 50 times worse, and proved, once and for all, that being a male can lead you to make some really bad choices.

It's called sleep apnea.

Basically you stop breathing during your sleep. The lack of oxygen sets off an alarm in your body. The brain panics and orders you to wake up. This happens hundreds of times a night. You never really get a good night's sleep. Consequently, you lack energy all day long. Sometimes you fall asleep at the computer, or behind the wheel. In its worst forms, all that on-off, on-off breathing puts increased stress on your body. Your chances of having a stroke or heart attack or worse go way up.

Fortunately, there's a way to deal with this. It involves being tethered to a machine and mask that keep a constant flow of air reaching your body through the night.

Unfortunately, this breathing mask brings to mind a host of ghostly images: Leonardo DiCaprio in the "Man in the Iron Mask." Dennis Hopper in "Blue Velvet." Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter.

The images are not very romantic and don't do much to promote self-esteem in your normally-healthy American male. The word emasculated comes to mind.

So I chose option No. 1, the one in which they laser away a part of your throat to create a bigger air passage and — two for the price of one — remove your tonsils, too.

Hey, I figured, it's got to be better than looking silly in bed. Wrong!

Did I mention that the doctor said the operation works only about half the time? Within 24 hours, my surgeon was suggesting that it probably didn't take. Better get used to the mask, he said.

I started composing a personal ad: "Healthy 50-something man seeks younger woman who likes romantic movies, long walks on the beach and thinks respirators are a turn-on."

Wait! My wife isn't about to abandon me after 25 years just because of a little heavy breathing. She probably won't even laugh out loud. And now I know, more than ever, what it means to be a man.

Reach Mike Leidemann at mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com or at 525-5460.