By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

Jerome Andrade is bracing for Sunday.

Even though for the past 20 years, it has been his job to be calm and comforting in times of sadness, he admits to being deeply affected by this one.

As funeral director for Borthwick Mortuary, Andrade is working with the family of Kahealani Indriginal to put together the girl's memorial Sunday at the Maunakea street chapel. Visitation is from 4 to 9 p.m.; the service is at 6:30 p.m.

"Any time a child passes on, it's kind of close, like it hits home or something," says Andrade. "And the way the tragedy was, it kind of hit us also."

During the services, it will be his job to make sure the media keeps a respectful distance from the family and that the program Kahealani's parents want for their daughter's remembrance goes smoothly. Her ashes will be there and there will be photos and collages of her life. Several entertainers have said they'd like to be a part of the service, so Andrade is coordinating that as well.

But a big part of his job will be lending a shoulder to cry on. A large number of children, Kahealani's school- mates and friends, are expected to attend.

Says Andrade, "I find with kids, as long as everybody is truthful to them as to what happened, be honest, don't lie, sometimes children will handle it better than adults."

Andrade recalls one funeral he arranged for the father of a young boy.

"The boy went up to the casket and he just choked up. No crying or anything, he was trying to be the macho man, but he looked very disturbed. He came back and we sat down and we talked and I said, 'You miss your daddy?' and he said, 'Mmm-hmm.' And I said, 'But you didn't cry. Why didn't you cry? It's all right to cry.'

" 'Oh, because little boys are supposed to be strong.' ''

But once I told him he could cry, he let a good cry out and he was fine. That was a real learning experience for me."

Kahealani's death also has him rethinking a program Borthwick used to bring to schools. It was called "Escape School," and it taught kids as young as 6 and 7 how to take precautions against possible abductions. The program somewhat fell by the wayside in the past year, but now Andrade wants to bring it back.

For those who want to reach out to the family, Bank of Hawai'i is accepting donations to a fund to help with funeral and other expenses. Borthwick has also stepped forward to help and will cover some of the cost of the services.

Andrade encourages people to reach out to the family. Kind words from strangers can be a comfort.

"I would say send them cards or messages or if you can, come by and say a few words."

What can you possibly say at such a time? Andrade has this advice:

"Just say, 'Hi, we're sorry for what you're going through. We love you and we're praying for you.' I think this is the only true answer to this thing."

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.