Avoiding holiday hell

By Carrie Ferguson
Nashville Tennessean

"Worst-Case Scenario" holiday guide offers tips for unsticking tongues from cold poles. MGM

The experts in disaster he was seeking thought he was a prankster or a smarmy high schooler working on a term paper.

"My hit rate ... was pretty low," Piven said from his home in Pennsylvania.

No more, though. Piven and his co-author, David Borgenicht, are a hit with five books under their belts on topics ranging from evading sharks to having sex in a small space. All of the books are based on legitimate tips from legitimate experts. They also have a television program on TBS.

The latest in the series is "The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Holidays" ($14.95, Chronicle Books), a season rife with potential hazards: cooking mishaps, family nuttiness, driving in snow, bad gifts.

"Some things there definitely come from our own experiences," Piven says. "Some we wanted to include but didn't put in. I wanted to include how to deal with the family drunk and the family letch, but we don't want to alienate all the drunks and letches out there."

Readers get help navigating around the yucky person who wants to kiss under the mistletoe, how to untangle Christmas lights and how to win a snowball fight.

So, to help you live through the holidays, here are some of their tips. May you not need them.

Butterball flambé

Heaven forbid the turkey in your oven goes up in flames. However, all is not lost if it's a little crispy or majorly charred.

Here's what you do: Remove the skin, slice the turkey and pick out the scorched pieces. Put salvaged meat on a platter that has been warmed in the oven, cover and set aside. To moisten dark meat, layer it in a roasting pan and soak it with several cups of chicken broth and melted butter. Cover it with a cloth and put it in a warm oven that is turned off. Let it rest for a few minutes, then drain and put the meat on a serving tray. Do not use the microwave to warm the meat ... unless, of course, you like tough turkey.

Fatten the gravy with a stick of butter and pour the mixture over the cut-up turkey.

Stampede of shoppers

If you are brave enough to head to the mall, read this tip:

"Do not move toward the oncoming herd. You risk being trampled if you try to thread your way through a stampede. If you are unable to get out of the way of a fast-moving crowd, bring your arms in tightly around any packages you are carrying, turn your body in the direction of the crowd and let yourself be carried along as you work your way to the outside of the herd." This tip can be used at any office Christmas party buffet line, as well.

Jolly old elf, indeed

If drunk Uncle Walter decides to practice his Santa impersonation and gets stuck in the chimney, be sure to have enough rope on hand. Tell him to grab onto the knots you have made and to help you by using footholds to brace and climb.

Of course, if he's stuck and conscious, dump some more gin on him and call the fire department. (Our advice, not the authors').

Rudolph gone berserk

How to fend off a charging reindeer is a nine-point plan. One would think it would simply entail yelling for help. Loudly. But no, there are many steps. The most important one, we think, is No. 7: If the reindeer attempts to gore you, grab the antlers and direct its charge away from you.

Caroling overload

Your favorite ex-boyfriend just got married, your best friend is in South Beach (Fla.) with her doctor-boyfriend for the holiday, and your parents have sent you yet another exercise and diet book, "Strong Women Stay Fit." Pity the poor carolers who darken your door.

How to send their happy selves packing? Show up at the door partially dressed. Nudity, as the "Worst Case Scenario" says, might offend them and make them unable to sing. Maybe you could cover yourself with "Strong Women Stay Fit."

Carousel might be better

Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
o'er the fields we go
laughing all the way.

But what does one do if that horse breaks away?

First, stay in the sleigh and hang on if you can't reach the reins and wait for the horse to whoa, Nelly. If you can reach the reins, tug and relax the reins with medium pressure. Do not jerk the reins of a horse running at full speed; that can throw the horse off-balance. When the horse slows to a trot, pull one rein to the side until the horse's head is toward you and the horse starts to go into a circle, which causes it to slow down. Once the horse is walking slowly, it's safe to bring it to a complete stop.

An important note: If the runaway sleigh is running toward you, do not try to grab the reins. Furthermore, do not stand there waving your arms wildly. It won't help.

You're crazy! It won't stick!

This tip was inspired by the holiday movie "A Christmas Story": "How theat a thongue thuck tho a thole." It's a lot more involved than you would think. But basically, heat the pole with your hands and take a test pull before yanking your tongue from the poll. You could motion to someone to pour some warm water onto your tongue, but whatever you do, do not try to loosen your tongue with saliva. Spit is warm but the small amount you are able to generate will likely just freeze on your tongue.

Or maybe a boat anchor?

Who the heck gives fruitcake anymore? If you're one of the unlucky few to get one that is more brick than bread, don't chuck it. It could have other purposes.

Use it as a doorstop; wedge it under your car tire to keep it from rolling down a hill; get another one and use 'em as bookends.

Best of all: If the cake is kept cool and in a tin, it will last up to a year, which means, of course: Regifting! A wonderful American tradition.