Words to live by in 2002

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

Today a new year dawns and across the world of sports people are waking up, clearing the sleep from their eyes and pledging themselves to resolutions to ensure a better 2002.

Maybe even people such as ...

June Jones: "I resolve to be gentler and kinder to Western Athletic Conference referees this season, never again suggesting the necessity of good group laser eye surgery plan or wondering out loud about getting their guide dogs through quarantine."

Riley Wallace: "Enough of Norfolk State, Northwestern State and Alcorn State and opponents of their ilk. Now that I have a quality team, I resolve to improve the state of our non-conference basketball scheduling accordingly."

ESPN: "OK, already. Enough with the cards, letters and e-mails, folks. Never again will we be so boneheaded as to cut away from a romp in progress over Brigham Young for a basketball game."

George O'Leary: "I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And, if I can't do that, I at least resolve to have the good sense to keep a bottle of white-out by my side."

Bowl Championship Series: "We resolve to find a way to find a national champion in football that does not involve rocket science, an Ouija Board or the reading of tea leaves."

BYU Cheerleaders: "As our life insurance agent has several times counseled us, no more will we be foolish enough to make noise about taking on the UH defense."

Randy Moss: "For the ton of money they are paying me, I resolve to go all out on each and every play. Well, how about in every other game?"

Tim Floyd: "Never again will I trust a guy who looks like a toad and promises me that I can be the next Phil Jackson. Unless, he gives me Michael Jordan first, that is."

Tiger Woods: "One of these days I've got to play a tournament at Waialae. Hey, what about this year?"

Bill Gramatica: "The only thing more unseemly than a kicker gyrating around the football field is one who injures himself when he does it. So, I hereby resolve to leave all dancing to the cheerleaders."

Ashley Lelie: "Unless the NFL people tell me I'm going to be taken in the first two rounds of the upcoming draft, I resolve to be back catching passes and setting records at UH."

Bud Selig: "If Major League Baseball must contract, let's start in the commissioner's office."

Evan Dobelle: "I resolve to get June Jones' contract done with the speed of a Chad Owens' kickoff return and, never again, see any of our coaches put through the belabored process that Bob Coolen and Mike Wilton endured."

Terrell Owens: "Next time I leave the Dallas Cowboys and their star the heck alone."

Dan Issel: "Me and my big mouth. The way I'd been coaching, I should have bought beers for anybody that came to the games."